Australian cricketers dropped for not doing their homework

Under the Southern Dross - Captain of the Saggy Green (left), disgruntled caveman (right)

Under the Southern Dross – Captain of the Saggy Green (left), disgruntled caveman (right)

Four Australian cricketers have been dropped for the third test match of their tour of India after failing to satisfy demands from management that each player make a ‘presentation’ outlining some areas for improvement. Following a three-and-a-half-day spanking in the second test, coach Mickey Arthur and captain Michael Clarke ordered all 18 squad players to go away, think about what they’d done, and come back four days later with a written or spoken presentation explaining three areas in which they could improve technically, mentally and as a team. Basically, do their job for them.

This was challenging enough considering the players had to deal with the handicap not only of being professional sportsmen, but also terminally Australian. Hilariously, two of them forgot to do it, one of them left it at home and is waiting for his mum to drop it off, and the other one was just so f***ing angry about the whole thing that he couldn’t stop shaking long enough to scribble anything legible.

Even better is the subtext – over the last five or six years, there’s been a noticeable tension amongst wearers of Straya’s increasingly Saggy Green between the grizzled, salt-of-the-earth, beer-swilling, blond highlights types and the fey, metrosexual, opposable-digit-wielding, Bacardi Breezer-sipping, blond highlights types. However, now, for the first time, it’s solely members of the latter camp turning on their own immaculately moist and preened alpha male leader. Even the most blinkered Aussie apologist would have to admit: not a single element of this story would have occurred under Ponting, Waugh or anyone else.

Wot’s thet mayte? ‘Shaadenfroyda?’ Wasn’t he thet bloke who wanted to shig his own mum?

Shane Watson could turn back on Australia after being dropped over ‘homework’ row

Shane Watson has left Australia’s tour of India and is considering his future after he was among four players dropped for the third Test for failing to do their ‘homework’.

By Telegraph Sport, The Telegraph

cricketnut, 4 hours ago

I’m disappointed for the game.

In football you see overpaid pre Madonnas

Whoa there…

pre Madonnas

No, it can’t be… nobody can be this… you must be an Australian sportsman… no.

The rest of the comment is a bit of a head-scratcher too:

behaving like spoilt children and as such their managers spend a lot of time reining in (or attempting to) their petulance. But these guys haven’t been out partying, showing off in Ferrari’s, taking in recreational drugs, humping prostitutes etc; they neglected to fill in a corporate style middle-management questionnaire.

I’m all up for self- analysis and group free speech to enhance the greater good, but this has been handled poorly. Some of these blokes would have run through a brick wall for you in the past, now they’ll just turn around and say thanks but no thanks…

karadekoolaid, 5 minutes ago

I get the feeling Arthur has just bowled himself out.

Fnarr!! Oh yes, how satirically witty… hang on, this makes no sense at all. This person has clearly spent time trying to get his cricketing metaphor just right and has failed spectacularly. You can’t bowl yourself out – you can run yourself out.

willoughbyman, 23 minutes ago

This incident might help deflate the Aussies’ arrogance. Australians generally, as exemplified by their cricketers, are the most arrogant and self-important people on the planet. These attributes stem from their underlying awareness of their irredeemable mediocrity.

‘I say, James – what’s the term for someone behaving like a superior, self-important arsehole?’

‘I believe, Sir, the word you are looking for is “supercilious”‘

‘So it is James, good show’

61vintage, 28 minutes ago

England should get rid of Broad, its all his fault.


61vintage, 2 hours ago

I blame Stuart Broad.

Yup, me too. Hang on, you’re the same person!

crackerjace, 4 hours ago


LIstening to great coaches of all sports through my life a common  theme is how they talk about bringing the best out of players through different means.
Player A might be to listen to whale music. player B might try and come up with a more egotistical nickname than “the big show”. etc etc
Certain standards need to be across the board of course, but a bloody essay as a knee jerk reaction????? go to the pub have a laugh, get that tension day train with a focus  of Steve Waugh giving up the Hook.

As an Australian i feel we have cloned Phil Tufnells fielding and turned it into some form of inteligence that runs and plays for Cricket Australia.

Ps. i reckon alot of day 4/5 tickets will be popping up on E-bay.

Whale music? Steve Waugh and Peter Pan? Test tickets in India being bought and sold on ebay??!! This makes no sense, no sense at all.

Philip Michael Hunt, 4 hours ago

Maybe he should have given them a multiple choice test.

Not a funny comment, but not sure if username is a joke… must be a joke.

Ashes must not distract England

hastily changed to

Calling England ‘undercooked’ lets mental issues off the hook

Serious questions being asked why England are getting into a pickle at start of a series

Mike Selvey, The Guardina

TheGribbler, 11 March 2013 10:57am


If England lose this Ashes I will, as one team mate once declared after yet another duck, ‘give up cricket and take up wanking’

Pssst – the two are not mutually exclusive. Especially when the cricket doesn’t start until 9.30 pm.

ilpupone, 11 March 2013 11:03am

Reasons for dropping test cricketers:
1. Texting a South African
2. Not texting a South African

Probably nicked off twitter, but jolly good.

MouthoftheMersey, 11 March 2013 11:07am

Mitchell did write the note as required, but when it came to pushing it under Mickey Arthur’s door, he missed. Shane Watson’s pencil broke. Pattinson’s was too short and Khawaja’s looked good for a while, but was forgotten.

Surprised Ed Cowan’s isn’t available as an e-book.


RandallsCartwheel, 11 March 2013 9:24pm

“Hello I’m Mickey Arthur, and this is my foot.”


“That’ll teach ’em.”

Glorious Fool. That John Martyn, he knew a thing or too about a good title.


CommentKing, 12 March 2013 2:09pm

Since when have cricket tours become some kind of middle management wet dream. Wellness reports? What next? Maybe an MBA by correspondence or an executive summary on how to be a sissy. There was a time when a wellness report on an Indian tour was nothing more than a quick Immodium stocktake.

Beautiful. Aussies – how does it feel?


Editor’s note: I feel I must add, in the interests of balance, when GISing for ‘michael clarke metrosexual’, I was presented with this horrifying image:

cook naked

Why are their bottom halves so hairy and their top halves so not?! It looks like they’ve been dipped head-first into a vat of Nair.

Walkers crisps to contain fewer chemicals, more bullshit


Remember when he pooed himself?

In one of the more ill-judged PR moves of recent times, Walkers crisps has announced its intention to distance itself from chemical artificial flavouring voodoo – and therefore, by some twisted logic, the horse meat scandal – by flavouring their translucent grease flakes with actual, genuine, once-throbbing animal tissue.

Personally – and perhaps this says quite a lot about the state of the food industry in the 21st century – the thought of eating crisps with actual meat in them is way more off-putting than some e-number alchemy I don’t need to know about. This is the list of ‘new’ flavours, all with an added 50% more bullshit:

Unmistakably Cheese & Onion including cheese from Somerset

Definitively Prawn Cocktail with Vale of Evesham tomatoes

Classically Ready Salted with salt from Cheshire

Distinctively Salt & Vinegar with real British vinegar

Undeniably Pickled Onion with real British vinegar

Deliciously Sour Cream & Chive with sour cream from Dorset

Tantalisingly Tomato Ketchup with Vale of Evesham tomatoes

Famously Worcester Sauce blended in Britain

Smoky bacon with RSPCA Freedom Food pork

Roast chicken with free-range chicken

You don’t need to be a marketing genius to spot that there’s something not quite right about the list. You just have to have a basic grasp of grammar. Seriously, ‘Famously Worcester Sauce blended in Britain’ sounds like something you’d read on a menu in a bar in Shanghai. Can’t wait to see Brad Pitt advertising ‘Scampi Fries, Inevitably’.

Anyway, the story attracted the predictable groups – the militant vegetarian faction (the majority of whom may or not also be smelly lesbians), the crushingly desperate loners yearning to make the same predictable horse meat joke, and those people who just plain don’t care about by-elections. Here’s a selection:


Vegetarians’ horror at plans by Walkers to add meat to smoky bacon and roast chicken crisps for the first time

  • Move to real ingredients has been greeted with horror by vegetarians
  • Walkers tries to re-assure vegetarians that products will still be ethical
  • Change will now be promoted by presenter Gary Lineker next month

– by Francesca Infante, the Mail

This is not the main problem. They changed the colour convention for salt and vinegar from light blue to green and the opposite way round for cheese and onion! Green = cheese OK!

John , Perthshire, 28/2/2013 09:21

This was, what – 15 years ago? Perhaps it’s time to accept the change and move on.

I saw Gary Lineker filming this promotion the other week. He was driving a tractor over the suspension bridge next to my house. Didn’t see any cows or chickens present though

clifton101 , Bristol, 28/2/2013 09:15


For many years I had my military shoes soled and plated by a cobbler in London. Moving ‘darn sarf’ I found a cobbler of sorts in a large complex, would you like ‘real leather?’ The thought crossed my mind – no take it from the cows in Milton Keynes!

Bill , Winchester, 28/2/2013 09:05

I don’t understand this at all.

Good news, the way it should be, vegetarians should go for smoked carrot flavour. You can’t have your cake and eat it.

Colonel, Birmingham, United Kingdom, 28/2/2013 17:17

Especially if you’re vegan.

Meat is good, crisps with meat good!

verite, global, 28/2/2013 17:16


who wants to eat a packet of meat flavour crisps with RSPCA written on the front of it?!

Emma, Newcastle, 28/2/2013 14:41

An excellent point – it’s like buying a Playboy with a picture of your girlfriend crying on the cover.

Bacon, Bacon, Bacon…when I die, wrap me in bacon and deep fry me. I’ll be Happy, Happy, Happy.

richard park, lubec maine, United States, 28/2/2013 13:28


Vegetarians get no right to say how my meat flavoured crisps are made. If i want real pig trotters in there, then by god its my human right to have that!

nonameTom, London, United Kingdom, 28/2/2013 13:14


NO, I’m a veggie who has enjoyed them for years. This makes me sad. RIP.

misanthrope_kl, Perth, 28/2/2013 12:46

Yes, good night sweet bacony prince.

What I want to know is whether they will be using non-halal chicken in their crisps. If they use halal I won’t be eating them!

Mrs Froot Loop, Somewhere over there, United Kingdom, 28/2/2013 12:35

I know – I like my chickens free range… in HELL!!!

I have stopped buying Walkers due to the downsize from 28gm to 25gm. All the grown men blue collar workers that I know refuse them due to the size and more air than crisps content. This might sound easy but try finding another brand that sell 28gm, the supermarket crisp aisle is jam packed full of Walkers.

tiddles, the cold and wintry great North, 28/2/2013 9:40

Perhaps Bruce Springsteen could write a song about it.

Us vegetarians lose out again then!!!

Amelia, Beds, United Kingdom, 28/2/2013 7:51

It’s not our obligation to cater to your particular dietary preference. Eat a Quorn dick.

haha id love to see those stupid veggies revolt, start an uprising, it wouldn’t be hard to put them down, weak limp wristed vegetarians man come on, nobody cares what you think!

gRAEME, abu dhabi, United Arab Emirates, 28/2/2013 4:54


Let’s hope it doesn’t contain horsemeat!!! Othewise it’ll be horsemeat crisps!

Anonymous, Anonymous, United Kingdom, 28/2/2013 4:51

I guess…. I guess that’s correct.


Real bacon to go into smoky bacon crisps – but vegetarians are upset

Smoky bacon crisps are to contain real bacon as part of an experiment by manufacturer Walkers.

Just in case you didn’t quite get the idea from the headline, the Telegraph helpfully illustrated their article with this:


Smoky bacon crisps… actual bacon… I just don’t… ah! I get it!

wyleekoyote, 9 hours ago

I like a nice bit of dead pig, can we have crispy bacon bits in the crisps or perhaps some Black Pudding or Trotter flavoured ones?


dunnitagain, 7 hours ago

I’m waiting for the full English breakfast crisp.

Bacon, egg, black pudding etc.

Set me up for the day that will.

Tragically, been and gone.

grant69, 8 hours ago

If further proof of the fact that vegetarianism is a mental illness it’s this.

Who the hell do they think they are telling normal people it’s wrong to flavour meat flavoured products with meat?.

If they are happy on a diet of industrially produced chemicals then fine but don’t let them influence what normal people can eat.

I’m looking forward to trying them, Wotsits already contain cheese powder and unlike some crisps they don’t start to taste weird when you have eaten a few packets.

This is the way to go.

‘…eaten a few packets’?

knowlebank, 4 hours ago

The human body is designed to eat meat, well done Walkers for reducing the additives and using meat to flavour their excellent products.
If the Vegetarians have a problem lettice leaf is meat free, I eat a minimum of half a pound of meat 6 days a week, fish on the other but not Friday.
I once went in to a Vegetarian cafe I have never seen such a bunch of sick looking people in my life

… perhaps you farted?! Half pound of meat a day?!!

Dude, where’s my credit rating?

Tory Fudwit

Tory Fudwit?

Smeg head?

Smeg head?

One moment you’re in a pizza restaurant in Davos with all your mates – BloJo is recounting lewd stories of semi-naked volleyball players glistening like wet ottters under the muggy London sun; Dave is telling the waiter that he is very clear about vaguely knowing that he wants – either the margarita or meat feast, although, maybe, he fancies the pasta. The next thing you know you’ve had too many Advocaats and have woken up in some sleazy five-star shack in downtown Geneva. You don’t know where you are. Your head is spinning and you wished you tried harder at whatever it was you did at uni. Because right now a letter has some how turned into a fucking number. That’s impossible, you tell yourself. That’s like arch-pant wetters the Lib Dems joining the Tory party in some kind… But wait, that did happen… and oh … shit … you kind of said a few things awhile back about how a particular letter would never turn into a particular number.

At least that’s what,  kinda, happened to Tory fudwit George Osborne. The professional towel-folder awoke to the news that Moody’s has downgraded the UK’s credit rating from AAA to AA1. AAA shiiittt. And now it’s becoming crushingly clear that a triple-dip is not a type of sandwich at Subway, but one of the shittier economic sticks that gets passed around.

No doubt the UK’s forums reacted in a measured way.

Britain will take years to earn back AAA rating, says Ken Clarke

By Rowena Mason, The Telegraph

Let’s get the pro-UKIP posts out the way.




Sorry rgh, NOTHING will stem the oncoming flood, -kriste, it’s EU LAW, and we have NO say. Only UKIP will act on this nightmare.


This is true. Since in a democracy all governments bribe their way into power by offering the dumb-ass electorate free everything in exchange for votes, it is likely that we would now be worse off under a Labour government. Labour bribery historically has had the populist edge over Conservative bribery.

Yeah, democracy’s well shit, init.

From the crank file…


Ken Clarke is a boring old fart who wouldn’t know if his a*se was on fire. I watched him on Sky this morning and his lickspittle responses, presumably prompted by his desire to to hang onto a cabinet job at all costs, were downright embarrassing.

People like him are the problem for the Tories – self-indulgent Leftie PC trendoids with upper class accents – who have the intestinal fortitude of a pea. He is totally out of touch with the severity of Britain’s economic situation as experienced by the ordinary people of Britain and only is concerned with the continuity of regular contact between his ample rear-end and the velour of his taxpayer-funded chauffeured limousine.

“Intestinal fortitude of a pea” – frickin’ genius.

Slash taxes now or you’ll lose the Election, Osborne is warned: Rebel Tory hits out after AAA blow


Background: Article details Tory MP Adam Afriyie’s view that you’ve gotta slash to grow.


Whats Andi Peters talking about now?

Basically, the joke is Mr Afriyle is black.


The best thing to get any economy moving is to “SLASH TAXES” However,Here is BRITAINS PROBLEM……. You have a , MARXIST LABOUR, or COMMUNIST LIBERALS, then you will continue to be shackeld with politicians who REWARD SHIRKERS” and “PENALIZE WORKERS”

Communist liberal?

Another from the crank file


Sadly Cameron is a globalist and as such will never give us a referendum voluntarily. Its not just prospect of Britain floating which terrifies globalists, its the possibility that we might form something better with our friends. We are told that we need to be part of a union in order to survive. Well there are countries out there with whom we share culture, history and blood. Imagine how strong a true union of Britain, Australia, Canada, and New Zealand would be; who knows maybe Scandinavia and the Netherlands would join as well. We do not need to be part of the undemocratic EU in order to build something wonderful!

Such a move would seriously wound the EU and put us smack bang in the middle of the three largest trading blocks. We have never been truly happy since our leaders abandoned our brothers in favour of the EU; we need to reestablish our historical bonds before they vanish forever.

Ye Gods!

George Osborne under pressure as Britain loses AAA rating for first time

By Jill Treanor and Rajeev Syal, The Guardian


Never mind Osborne we can ring payday loans, they can HELP even if we have bad credit…right?



@jaylar – that is basically Balls and Labour economic plan.



[Couple of paragraphs of obligatory Osborne bashing before…]

If Osbourne was a racehorse he’d be in a beef lasagne by now.


To the tune of Flash by Queen.

Credit rating blow to cost taxpayers £100bn: Humiliating downgrade may hit gilts and sterling
Holy Crap Flash Gidiot, we only have twenty four hours to save this small part of the planet from your incompetence!
Flash a-ah, Savior of the Bullingdon
Flash a-ah
He’ll screw every one of us

Flash a-ah
King of the incompetent.



For all the savage anger of the right-wing rags, The Guardian leads the way in death threats.


Time to drink hemlock, osborne.
Legend has it that in hell all the towels have an annoying wrinkle that is impossible to smooth out. But you will have plenty of time to practise…….we hope you enjoy your stay.


Not been the greatest starts to a year for a Chancellor has it? He can’t have won the wishbone at Christmas.



@AlexCook – Indeed. He could have at least choked on it.


It would be good to see Osborne shredded both personally and politically – lol

Unbelievably, some of those posts were recommended.


If he printed AA on his forehead he would look like the hologram from red dwarf

The economy’s smegged.


@lillycoll – I just love the satirical comments, its almost as if you believe the bull that you post.Thanks. Is all very entertaining.Do tell, is Ed Balls like some South Korean communist dictator?

Yes, that notorious bastion of Bolsheviks, neighboured by the capitalist running dogs of North Korea.


Labour has broken this country, stripping the very fabric of our society to almost third world levels.

mary jackson

@nacom – Tories have broken this county, stripping the very fabic of our society to almost third world levels, Fixed that for you, No need to thank me,

That super-veg nori wrap I ate at Pret was clearly the product of a third-world country.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s Oscar special.

Reeva Steenkamp laid to rest, Oscar Pistorius loses early wickets


Is it more offensive to show a woman looking hot while baking or looking hot while wearing a bikini?

Look, I’m sorry – I can’t stop reading about this. There doesn’t seem to be anything else happening anyway. It’s a lot more interesting than what Ed Milliband is doing – whatever it is that he does.

Oscar Pistorius’ bail hearing began today. If this whole thing were a test match, you could say he probably had a good day today; won the afternoon and evening session after losing four wickets before lunch. But there’s a long way to go to save the match, let alone rescue the series.

Meanwhile, his ‘Baba’ was being laid to rest. That got the limited, respectful coverage it deserved. God bless her.

Anyway, here’s some guff:

Apropos of nothing, but I have never seen a square toilet seat before.

Nigel, Sydney, 19/2/2013 23:18

That is truly a wonder.

Thank God for trial by jury. Let justice be served in court and not through the media.

peaxhy, London, 19/2/2013 23:16

Errm, I think you may be disappointed. Apparently, they haven’t used juries in SA since the mid-90s – it was just getting too difficult to find 12 people who weren’t racist. True story.

Surely it won’t be that difficult for forensics to determine whether she was using the toilet or hiding in there.

Louise, WIrral, 19/2/2013 23:07

I wouldn’t have thought that would take an expert of any kind.

Not sure who I am most disgusted at currently. The Mail for printing these pictures or me for gawking at them???

atwbaker, Exeter, 19/2/2013 22:55


So upset xxx RIP Reeva xx

lexi, London, 19/2/2013 20:57

Oh, stop it.

I am very very confused.

groundhog, Glasgow, United Kingdom, 19/2/2013 20:56


So horrific, a corner bath.

Wakeup, London, 19/2/2013 19:02

Amusing and yet still a massive prick.

How are these photos chilling? It’s just a normal bathroom

Sierra, Surrey, 19/2/2013 18:45

Congratulations – you pass the psychopath test!

The heights of the shots would be different if the legs were on or off. If she was using the bathroom and not hiding in there, then there should be evidence in the toliet

Janesmithhk, Chrustchurch, 19/2/2013 18:42
This guy gets it – answer that question and the whole situation will be much clearer.

Reeva Steenkamp

I’d hit it… but never with a cricket bat.

Super-human Oscar Pistorius Becomes Oscar Pistoffius, Mows Down Girlfriend, Allegedly


If you have a problem with this picture, tell the Mail.

The body of Reeva Steenkamp, unfortunate girlfriend – ex-girlfriend – of hitherto inspiration-to-everyone legless Olympian Oscar Pistorius, was probably still warm when the UK press started moralising about this unintended, accidental tragedy of South African gun culture.

Except, as the facts began to emerge not long after, there wasn’t a lot that sounded accidental about the incident. Everybody fell for the story, but only the Daily Mail – to use a completely random analogy – decided to ‘shoot first and ask questions later’ by spraying its front page with articles on the story; riddling those stories with suggestive pictures of the late La Steenkamp; and oozing grey matter and haemorrhaging idiocy all over the comments ‘opened’ for these articles. Spunk.

Ok, so she was shot four times in the head, chest and arm – anyway you slice that, it doesn’t quite jive with the intruder story. But that’s not for us to judge; at the Mail it is always ‘Innocent until proven… oh, look it’s a Middle-Aged woman with Cellulite Wearing a Ill-Judged Bikini!!!!!’.

Blade Runner Oscar Pistorius charged with murder after ‘he accidentally shot dead his model girlfriend at his luxury South Africa home when he mistook her for an intruder’

– By Martin Robinson, Simon Tomlinson and Dan Newling In Cape Town, the Daily Mail

This is almost has disheartening as Lance Armstrong.

alistz, vizio oh, 14/2/2013 15:16

Discuss. Seriously…. discuss. You could do a Phd on that.

This is why I tell people to use so-called assault weapons for home protection. You have room to easily mount a flashlight on them. That way you can be certain of target.

whtnationalist, Marshalltown Iowa USA, 14/2/2013 15:15

Ahhhhh… silly goose. This never would’ve happened if he’d just used assault weapons instead.

Maybe she made fun of him.

John Jones, Roswell, United States, 14/2/2013 14:43

Oh well, in that case, bitch had it coming.

what a tagedy!

bebuxxu, Rome, Italy, 14/2/2013 14:16


SHADOW100, SAN MARCOS, 14/2/2013 14:07


This tragedy is the result of two young people both making a fatal mistake at the same time. She surely knew he was well-armed and feared break-ins, and she had to be well aware of the violent nature of life in SA. But in her excitement about the surprise, she didn’t think about that. He should have known not to shoot first before ascertaining the identity of the intruder … all he had to do was yell out, “Who is it?” and “I am armed and will shoot you!” But in his undoubted state of fear, he didn’t think about that either. Result? A devastating accident. When he gave her the key to his place, he should have told her the rules … no surprises & always announce yourself first. If he had been 40 instead of 26, I think he’d have been mature and wise enough to have thought of that. I’m willing to bet this was simply a tragic accident.

WagTheDog, Vegas USSA, United States, 14/2/2013 13:44

I suspect this man would try to acquit himself of rape by arguing that the plaintiff  was wearing a short skirt and ‘whorey make up.’

OMG! I mean, really, just OMG!

Devil Cat, London, United Kingdom, 14/2/2013 13:32


I’m South African. Yip, it’s not a country for sissies.

The Oppinionated One, Mpumalanga, 14/2/2013 13:31

Never thought that for a second, Opp.

So sad – two lives ruined, least we forget their families. No doubt Hollywood will be jumping on the band wagon and looking to turn his life story into a film.

Carrie, London, 14/2/2013 13:30

Really? Have you not seen OJ Simpson, the Movie? No? I wonder why not.

So sad. This guy had so much going for him…

Samantha, Middle England, 14/2/2013

Yeah, and she had a pulse.

I don’t understand why previous ‘domestic’ incidents are being thrown into the mix. People have arguments, they can get heated, police are sometimes called to diffuse a situation? Nobody is perfect! Doesn’t mean people are about to start shooting each other? Facts before accusation….and only the police can deal with those!

Sher x, Swansea, United Kingdom, 14/2/2013 12:35

Christmas must be wild round yours.

The same thing almost happened to me, but in my case, I do not own a gun so I was glad. Heard some noises in the kitchen at 3 am. Cracked open the bedroom door and I could see a human silhouette standing still. My heart raced. Grabbed a Rambo knife that I had and was ready to confront intruder when I realized, what if it is my wife? Sure enough her side of the bed was empty, so I turned on the lights and there she was, staring at our cat through the window. Also scary is that I had set up life insurance policies through a employment benefits meeting the day before! So I would have had a clear motive under the eyes of the police had I had a gun and decided to use it blindly. Moral of this story, never shoot at somebody for self defense reasons before knowing his/her identity and do it after announcing yourself. What a tragedy, I feel sorry for both. However it sounds like overkill to me, no need to pump a body full of bullets.

somewhereintheus, somewhereintheus, 14/2/2013 12:29


Oh my darling Oscar!!!!! i am so so sorry!! i love you so much! i am really sorry about your loss and trauma. Please let the justice system understand this tragedy and work well for you. I am heartbroken

BB, glasgow, 14/2/2013 10:51

Your loss?

this is so terribly sad xxxx

GeordieEastender, East London, United Kingdom, 14/2/2013 11:17

Thanks, mwuh.

Absolutely heartbreaking, so tragic xxx

Miss_Kinks, Wiltshire, United Kingdom, 14/2/2013 10:58

Yes, mwuh mwuh mwuh.

This is just so awful 😦 I pray for him and the girls family at this very sad, tragic time xxx

MrsHogg, Durham, United Kingdom, 14/2/2013 10:44

As do I. Mwuh mwuh mwuh.

How very tragic … I think living with the fact that you accidentally killed your beloved is punishment enough. I don’t see how prosecution would be in the public interest. Sending best wishes to all x

Thanks. Love to Mum and Dad. Mwuh.

How awful! Rip x

RoyalEngrWife1466, Bolton, Uk, 14/2/2013 10:16

Rip Mwuh.

…Seriously, why do people do this? is it a new thing? Are some people so terminally stupid that they’ve lost the ability to distinguish online comments sections from text messages?

From law graduate to reality TV star: FHM model Reeva Steenkamp was about to ‘explode into the media’, claims devastated agent

– By Simon Tomlinson, the Daily Mail

I’m not sure what’s more distasteful about this headline – is it the ‘explode into the media’ bit (explode all over more like, hurrrr) or is it ‘devastated agent’? You’re an agent. Your job is to make money by exploiting people. Family cares? Dunno. Friends care? Dunno. Apparently the guy that was going to make money out of her cares. He was the first one on the phone. He’s devastated.

She was too good for him.

Joe, Belfast, 14/2/2013 13:26

*click* Yah Sistah!

How can someone be “allegedly shot dead”? She is either alive or she is dead. She was either shot or she was not. The word allegedly is so incorrectly used here, it detracts from the sad story.

Kate, Sydney, 14/2/2013 12:29

That’s a surprisingly good point.

Oh dear how sad, I bet he is mortified. If it was a genuine mistake I am sure the jury will find him innocent of murder and realise it was unintentional manslaughter. Poor guy. Crumbs, Valentine’s Day will never be the same for him.

Gorgeous Brunette, Liskeard, United Kingdom, 14/2/2013 10:51

Valentine’s day will never be the same for him?!

****Bonus Update****

article-reeva-fhm3-0214Well, the Mail has continued to open its Pistorius articles to inappropriate, ill-informed and irresponsible comments. On the other hand, the Guardian, the Independent and the unattractive, unloved women of Twitter have sunk even lower by cheapening the whole thing by focusing on the Sun’s perfectly legitimate choice of front page photo. As though it’s somehow disrespectful. I’m sure when Wayne Rooney dies, the papers will illustrate it with a picture of him playing football; when Brigitte Bardot dies, it’ll be a picture of her acting and/or arguing with a cat; when these people die, the Made-Up Fantasy Times, ‘People who were rubbish’ column will be illustrated with a picture of someone physically attached to a sofa, cramming Doritos into their mouth with their disgustingly sausage-like orange cheesy fingers, while ineffectually ‘cutting’ themselves with a blade so blunt it couldn’t possibly do anything more than cosmetic damage.

It was too annoying to wade through those comments, so back to the Daily Mail for some healthy idiocy…

Blade Runner in the dock: Oscar Pistorius holds his head in his hands as he is formally charged with murdering his model girlfriend who ‘was shot four times through bathroom door’ at his home

By Leon Watson, Martin Robinson, Simon Tomlinson and Dan Newling, The Mail

Why is he crying?

Sandy Brown, London, 15/2/2013 16:37

Congratulations – you pass the psychopath test!

I fail to see what he would have gained through a planned murder of this poor woman – he has no money concerns and if he no longer wanted to go out with her he would have had no difficulty in ending the relationship. I feel the fact he shot through the door suggests he thought it was an intruder but obviously until the police investigation is closed we can only speculate as to what went on.

kate, paris, France, 15/2/2013 16:22

Hmmm, yes – murder is only a practical option when in financial difficulties or when you’re just too embarrassed to break up with someone.

Nice to see his brother smiling with another relative. Meanwhile a young woman is dead. This whole story is so shocking.

Lily, London – UK, 15/2/2013 16:05

Bastard! And with a relative too… pffft!

95% of the comments here are DISGUSTING. Why is everyone treating Pistorius like the victim? A young girls body LAYS COLD. A mother and father have to bury their child.

Cherry, london, United Kingdom, 15/2/2013 15:58

Lays cold what?

Let us not forget that SHE IS DEAD!!

Sassy Lassy, Great Britain, 15/2/2013 15:33


It was an accident. They should let him go

Floridian, USA, United States, 15/2/2013 15:29

Oh right, there we go. Everybody go home now, that’s it. All over, nothing to see here.

 My sympathies to the poor victim and her family… Poor woman never got to get married, have babies or get old…such a waste all round. Rip xxx

Lorraine, ex-pat, 15/2/2013 15:09

Mwuh mwuh mwuh…. rip.

What the hell could have happened there?!? It’s just crazy!!!

JFK, South of Spain, Spain, 15/2/2013 14:44

How can you be South of Spain and yet still in Spain?! It’s just crazy!!!

This is why you never shoot at an unidentified target. This is one of the basic 4 rules of gun safety: Always be sure of your target and what is beyond it. Never aim at anything you are not willing to destroy. Keep your finger off the trigger until your sights are on target. Treat all guns as loaded. Had he followed these simple rules this would not have happened. That is proper gun control.

klingon00, Columbus, 15/2/2013 14:26

Ah right, thanks for clearing that up Klingon. You see, I’d thought that the problem was having guns in your bedroom; I hadn’t realised that really the problem was just the fact that someone didn’t remember some stupid half-baked code about what you should and shouldn’t do with a gun. That was the problem! Education.

Have you never locked yourself in the bathroom to escape someone? I’ve had to. I’m NOT saying that’s what happened but the amount of people proclaiming him innocent based on the fact she was in the bathroom!!!

Nishuo, outside your window, United Kingdom, 15/2/2013 14:10

I just looked outside my window – bet you did too.

 Shot 4 x through bathroom door – then that surely shows that a) He didnt see her and b) he didnt know it was her. This sounds like a he really did mistake her for an intruder?

Tim-nice-but-dim, London, United Kingdom, 15/2/2013 14:02

‘Roight Francois – wie’re gonna do this berglaree job, bit wince wi git in, Io’ve gotta pinch a wickid loaf.’

The South African authorities are a disgrace. Why on earth are they treating Oscar like a common criminal. He is a global icon and should not be paraded like a murderer. This was clearly a tragic but honest mistake. He should be released immediately and the Police should focus on the real criminals in the townships.

Adam, London, United Kingdom, 15/2/2013 13:52

Can’t be serious.

Valentine’s Special: Whores Recruited to Satisfy Those With Special Needs

1020_1325797285Look, I’ll be honest – I’m sorry, this is dark. Really dark. But that makes it all the more infuriating.

Essentially, the story is that some care homes may have spent a portion of their budgets on procuring ‘sex workers’ for their charges. That’s it. Do you have a problem with that? If you said ‘yes’, you’re an idiot.

If you’re a prostitute, I’m sure the disabled community makes up a very small part of your clientèle; if you’re disabled, it’s up to you what you want or don’t want, but you should be given the chance to make the choice. You – YOU WHO READS THIS AND EVERY OTHER STUPID ARTICLE IN THE PAPER – are neither. It’s none of your business; it’s not your problem; shut up and go away.

The only thing older than prostitution is disability. This happens in every other country – first world, third world – in the world. Only here, in Great Britain, could we make an issue out of it.

‘I want a world where disabled people are valid sexual partners’

Recent reports that a care home procured sex workers for its disabled residents and new film The Sessions have put disability and sex in the spotlight. But is the focus on prostitution helpful?

kwenchin, 13 February 2013 12:58am

Prostitution should not be encouraged. These women lead sad lives and support the drugs industry. The govt. would to paying to support the drugs industry and trafficing of east european sex slaves.

Right. Let’s choke the drugs industry by cutting out hookers.

iruka, 13 February 2013 8:53am

This east European ‘sex slaves’ myth is pure propaganda.

I don’t have any problem at all with sexual surrogacy. In some ways it’s pretty much the opposite of men paying money for the right to a half hour of morally solipsistic play with someone else’s body…reliving the tent-pitching delusion that they’re actually entitled to use other people purely as ends, and that that their ability to pay is the basis of that right.

I lost you at ‘solipsistic’ you terrible bore. Seriously – fuck you and whatever tent-pitching delusion you may have.

mikozero, 13 February 2013 12:22pm

how about we just give disabled people their money to live on, accept that at that point it’s actually theirs, and keep our damn moralising and holier than thou attitude out of other peoples business ?


nellief, 13 February 2013 2:24pm

– Paying for sex is hardly “intimacy” – something that I hope all people with disabilities have in their life. The emphasis on sex is just sad.

Nobody, except you and the hundreds of mouth-foaming commentors, is mistaking intimacy with sex. This doesn’t happen in real life – why should you be so blind to it? Perhaps if you were disabled you might understand a little better.

ChristopherHervet, 13 February 2013 3:58pm

@silentstar101 – A long time ago or maybe once upon a time – the Samaritans were plagued by hundreds of calls from men seeking sexual gratification via the phone. This was thought to prevent the actively suicidal from getting through so the Brenda system was established.

Men needing that kind of satisfaction were encouraged to ask for “Brenda” who was a woman trained to try and engage with them and to talk about their underlying problems.

The outcome was that in some cases the woman volunteer would speak to the man while he endeavoured to come. A wel- to-do elderly BBC employee of my acquaintance regularly undertook this duty long after the Brenda system was scrapped.

I think the point I’m making in a round about way is that maybe money doesn’t need to change hands. It could be a voluntary service like any other with volunteers receiving appropriate CRB checks and training in sex therapy?

Brilliant. Re-proud to be British.

RA1966,13 February 2013 7:40am

@TrueBrit1066 – Everyone has the right to enjoy sex in some way,

do you agree that the NHS should provide free viagra for all? Patients with erectile dysfunction have a problem that prevents them enjoying sex.

000a000, 12 February 2013 11:03pm

Slightly uneasy about this: what’s the difference between a businessman who’s too busy to bother with seduction using a prostitute, someone who’s too lazy or drunk, and someone who’s too disabled?

Haneen1,12 February 2013 11:07pm

@000a000 – difference is that in the former two cases it involves a “subjective moral fault”, whereas disability is not a moral failing. They can’t help it, they didn’t choose to be disabled, nor did they do anything bad which made them disabled. Whatever you may feel about the sex service thing, it is wrong to put disabled people into the same category as greedy capitalists and the lumpen or borderline criminal elements.

Meh. You’ve over-thought this, so fuck you.

MoneyMustGo, 12 February 2013 11:43p

It’s sad that some people never get to have sex. Men like to romanticise prostitution, but it’s a f….ing terrible thing. If I had a disabled son, who was desperate for sex, I’d be telling him that it’s so wrong to buy a woman.

Really? If it was pay for it or never have it?

RA1966, 13 February 2013 7:45am

@lostalex77 – Why is the vagina or penis considered such a SACRED body part? it’s just another body part


Incorrect. Your face is not the same as your vagina. My toe is not the same as my penis.

‘my toe is not the same as my penis’ – you are the bigger wanker. i hope you suffer.

triunfun, 12 February 2013 11:51pm

I dont give a damn whether is legal or not, as long both parts have an agreement.

You can’t argue with that.

TheRightSort, 13 February 2013 12:46am

I’m sure there’s a pretty penny to be made out there to make ‘niche porn’? Perhaps that could fund this er… enterprise?

Not cool.

Dryhtscipe, 13 February 2013 10:24am

@lostalex77 – No, some people are advocating that the government pay for it.

Taxpayers don’t pay for anything but taxes.

It ceased being your money when it left your account… just as it does when you buy a car. You don’t get a say in whether the car salesman hires a prostitute either.

This is too stupid for comment.

LittleLetters,13 February 2013 6:26am

@kwenchin – Must be cosy up there, surveying the perfect world. Talk to a 65 year old single mother, looking after her 18 stone 40 year old son. He has a mental age of about 2, and hasn’t learnt how to masturbate. Once a month a sex worker provides him with hand relief and his mother with a calm household for a while. Whilst this is an imagined scenario, it’s one that exists in similar forms, far more often than anyone would like. Disability is not merely physical, and the relief offered by sex workers is not merely for the client.

That’s pretty grim, but it’s reality – READ IT

bolobo, 13 February 2013 2:10am

As a long-time inadvertant-celibate what I ache for is to touch my forehead against the forehead of someone who loves me and I can’t buy that. Using a sex worker would only serve to emphasise the comparative triviality of my loins.

“What disabled people need is full and equal rights. An inclusive society, which doesn’t create barriers.”

I’m not against anybody employing a sex worker but feel that it’s just a more complicated form of masturbation rather than sex.
It’s not new in the film world. 1998’s The Theory of Flight, starring Helena Bonham Carter as a woman with motor neurone disease, was excellent in it’s exploration of the subject.

I ache to say: Fuck you.

Dear God, I quit. Yours, The Pope.

imagesYou may have seen that Pope Benedict, AKA God’s Rottweiler, has resigned.

I’m going to let the comments do most of the talking on this one.

Pope Benedict in shock resignation: Pontiff, 85, is first in 600 years to stand down because he ‘no longer has the strength to carry on’


The following two posts crystallise the split in opinion:

georgieleeds, Leeds, 11/2/2013 15:21

PLEASE SHOW SOME RESPECT !!!! The comments I just read are really disturbing and show complete lack of respect towards millions of persons that deeply believe and love the catholic religion. Fine that you are not Catholic but at least show respect as a human being.


……Like the respect the Catholic Church as shown the thousands of abuse victims that have suffered at their hands over the years? RESPECT IS EARNED!!!

There was also some thinly-veiled racism:


The first black Pope? Are they going to have affirmative action too?

It’s not every day one looks to fanatics’ corner for some light relief…

P e r c i v a l, Kingdom of God

It is widely believed that the last pope of the Catholic Church will succeed Pope Benedict XVI. St. Malachy Irish Bishop and Seer, produced an accurate list of future popes which began with Pope Celestine II in the year 1143. His list consists of a single line which gives a clue to the characteristics of each pope. From this list of 112 popes there is to be just one more after Pope Benedict XVI. His predictions regarding the popes have been for the most part pretty accurate regarding the identifying characteristics that each line reveals.

Richie, port talbot

Popes never resign. I believe he’s making way for the false prophet.

I wonder if the lizard people found writing down their prophecies hard? You know, what with having claws for hands.

sebastienwolf, paris

Let’s pray for a truly Catholic pope. One who condemns the heresies of protestantism, talmudic judaism, islam, buddhism, hinduism and all the rest.

Back to the hatred.

janegreg, bristol

Whatever your religious views, it beggars belief that this story – the first resignation of a pope in 600 years is beneath stories such as Frankie Sandford’s ‘I can’t cope’ and research into dogs.

Some insight on The Mail’s editorial policy there.

ChrisBaker, Alton

This just in…… “Peter Odemwingie has been spotted in the Vatican car park.”

Haha. I understand that Cardinal Harry Redknapp is out back in the Pope Mobile doling out bungs.

sean evans

why retire from being the pope when your getting ever closer to god ………..only joking, yea he’s past it, time to step down old man

Hiding behind user names when making shitty comments is one of the true joys of the internet. Sadly, no one seems to have told Sean.


Don’t tell me that the Vatican is responsible for the horsemeat fiasco!

That statement has as much weight behind it as a Findus lasagne’s marketing claim.

Benedict, the placeholder pope who leaves a battered, weakened church

By Andrew Brown, The Guardian

Like The Mail, opinions were divided on The Guardian…


fuck me, i’m not religious but some of the comments on here show that there is either ‘light touch’ moderation or they’ve fucked off home altogether…


@Stiffkey –
The level of sheer hatred, much of it informed by nothing more than barely concealed anti catholic bigotry, is rather horrible.
The catholic church is rather horrible. They deserve the hatred.

Are you calling yourself a bigot? (Also, check the Futurama references.)


Ah, the placeholder Pope. I remember his first address to the multitudes in St Peters Square: “Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur……”

And his first words were ‘Hello World’.


@StevHep – Perhaps, but lately the church has been too busy bombing people in Iraq[…]

I must have missed that in Zero Dark Thirty.

Too tired to go on, Pope Benedict resigns

By Hada Messia and Michael Pearson, CNN

Poltergist  utilitybelt

By the time we are 60. Our kids will be euthanizing us to save cash.

dack maddy  gorillasinthemist 

I used to care about the elderly. Then I realized that they are the ones who caused this mess we see today.

God, which one of the ‘Ns’ in CNN stands for nihilism?

Pope resigns: The pope who was not afraid to say sorry

By Peter Stanford, The Telegraph


Did he say sorry for helping to spread Aids and for protecting child abusers?

Got this reply…


[…] Protecting child abusers? You clearly know nothing of which you speak. PILLOCK!! It was Ratzinger who got John Paul II to give the Congregation for the Doctrine of Faith to investigate child abuse cases – which had previously been investigated by individual bishops.

Easy lads…

Couple of longer and totally off-topic posts from the L Ron Hubbard stash. Be warned: these comments are like opening up The Simpson’s comic-book guy’s cranium and feasting on the mind juice inside.

Zsolt Hermann

This issue is way bigger than the Catholic Church.
What we are witnessing is the meltdown of our present civilization. […]

Our responsibility is to understand and accept the evolutionary changes in the global, interconnected human society and already start preparing for the next stage where the whole of humanity is perfectly adapted to the state of a single, interconnected, living human organism within the closed and finite natural system.

With the proper preparation the temporary, intermediate phase can be mitigated and shortened, instead of going through a prolonged, unpredictable an violent period.


The insights Mr. Hermann provides us with are very profound, and very serious. Normally, I would not wish to risk damaging such a serious reality in people’s eyes by taking analogy from fiction. But here I will, with Mr. Hermann’s indulgence, take from what I consider the best of classical science fiction.

I recall the basic theme of Isaac Asimov’s sci-fi classic, the Foundation Trilogy. [The trilogy is a half-century old, but there was a movie version, planned at least a couple of years back I believe, so I presume people have at least heard of it.]

From Hari Seldon’s mathematical science of psychohistory, it was clear that of its own, the dynamics of collapse of the old Empire would lead to a chaotic dark age of untold misery lasting many thousands of years. But there was a way, in a nonpolitical parallel outside of government, to organically develop the mechanisms for establishing a totally new, better civilization which would evolve right into the cracks in the decaying old one. By the plan, the task could be completed within only a thousand years, with a minimum of chaos and suffering.

In a sense (and hopefully in a far reduced scale of time — hopefully within a generation), perhaps this is what we could have here in miniature on our real-world Earth. True, there is no Hari Seldon to develop a psychohistoric plan plan for us. But we have the tendency towards integration in Nature, whose principle seems to have caught up with Humanity once reaching its global boundaries and forced to grow inward in interconnection.

If we but study the pattern and proactively follow it through the development of education and societal values of mutual concern, responsibility and guarantee. If we redefine the
expression of our individuality as complementing as opposed to competing, collaborative rather than cut-throat. If we but will it — it will be!