Australian cricketers dropped for not doing their homework

Under the Southern Dross - Captain of the Saggy Green (left), disgruntled caveman (right)

Under the Southern Dross – Captain of the Saggy Green (left), disgruntled caveman (right)

Four Australian cricketers have been dropped for the third test match of their tour of India after failing to satisfy demands from management that each player make a ‘presentation’ outlining some areas for improvement. Following a three-and-a-half-day spanking in the second test, coach Mickey Arthur and captain Michael Clarke ordered all 18 squad players to go away, think about what they’d done, and come back four days later with a written or spoken presentation explaining three areas in which they could improve technically, mentally and as a team. Basically, do their job for them.

This was challenging enough considering the players had to deal with the handicap not only of being professional sportsmen, but also terminally Australian. Hilariously, two of them forgot to do it, one of them left it at home and is waiting for his mum to drop it off, and the other one was just so f***ing angry about the whole thing that he couldn’t stop shaking long enough to scribble anything legible.

Even better is the subtext – over the last five or six years, there’s been a noticeable tension amongst wearers of Straya’s increasingly Saggy Green between the grizzled, salt-of-the-earth, beer-swilling, blond highlights types and the fey, metrosexual, opposable-digit-wielding, Bacardi Breezer-sipping, blond highlights types. However, now, for the first time, it’s solely members of the latter camp turning on their own immaculately moist and preened alpha male leader. Even the most blinkered Aussie apologist would have to admit: not a single element of this story would have occurred under Ponting, Waugh or anyone else.

Wot’s thet mayte? ‘Shaadenfroyda?’ Wasn’t he thet bloke who wanted to shig his own mum?

Shane Watson could turn back on Australia after being dropped over ‘homework’ row

Shane Watson has left Australia’s tour of India and is considering his future after he was among four players dropped for the third Test for failing to do their ‘homework’.

By Telegraph Sport, The Telegraph

cricketnut, 4 hours ago

I’m disappointed for the game.

In football you see overpaid pre Madonnas

Whoa there…

pre Madonnas

No, it can’t be… nobody can be this… you must be an Australian sportsman… no.

The rest of the comment is a bit of a head-scratcher too:

behaving like spoilt children and as such their managers spend a lot of time reining in (or attempting to) their petulance. But these guys haven’t been out partying, showing off in Ferrari’s, taking in recreational drugs, humping prostitutes etc; they neglected to fill in a corporate style middle-management questionnaire.

I’m all up for self- analysis and group free speech to enhance the greater good, but this has been handled poorly. Some of these blokes would have run through a brick wall for you in the past, now they’ll just turn around and say thanks but no thanks…

karadekoolaid, 5 minutes ago

I get the feeling Arthur has just bowled himself out.

Fnarr!! Oh yes, how satirically witty… hang on, this makes no sense at all. This person has clearly spent time trying to get his cricketing metaphor just right and has failed spectacularly. You can’t bowl yourself out – you can run yourself out.

willoughbyman, 23 minutes ago

This incident might help deflate the Aussies’ arrogance. Australians generally, as exemplified by their cricketers, are the most arrogant and self-important people on the planet. These attributes stem from their underlying awareness of their irredeemable mediocrity.

‘I say, James – what’s the term for someone behaving like a superior, self-important arsehole?’

‘I believe, Sir, the word you are looking for is “supercilious”‘

‘So it is James, good show’

61vintage, 28 minutes ago

England should get rid of Broad, its all his fault.


61vintage, 2 hours ago

I blame Stuart Broad.

Yup, me too. Hang on, you’re the same person!

crackerjace, 4 hours ago


LIstening to great coaches of all sports through my life a common  theme is how they talk about bringing the best out of players through different means.
Player A might be to listen to whale music. player B might try and come up with a more egotistical nickname than “the big show”. etc etc
Certain standards need to be across the board of course, but a bloody essay as a knee jerk reaction????? go to the pub have a laugh, get that tension day train with a focus  of Steve Waugh giving up the Hook.

As an Australian i feel we have cloned Phil Tufnells fielding and turned it into some form of inteligence that runs and plays for Cricket Australia.

Ps. i reckon alot of day 4/5 tickets will be popping up on E-bay.

Whale music? Steve Waugh and Peter Pan? Test tickets in India being bought and sold on ebay??!! This makes no sense, no sense at all.

Philip Michael Hunt, 4 hours ago

Maybe he should have given them a multiple choice test.

Not a funny comment, but not sure if username is a joke… must be a joke.

Ashes must not distract England

hastily changed to

Calling England ‘undercooked’ lets mental issues off the hook

Serious questions being asked why England are getting into a pickle at start of a series

Mike Selvey, The Guardina

TheGribbler, 11 March 2013 10:57am


If England lose this Ashes I will, as one team mate once declared after yet another duck, ‘give up cricket and take up wanking’

Pssst – the two are not mutually exclusive. Especially when the cricket doesn’t start until 9.30 pm.

ilpupone, 11 March 2013 11:03am

Reasons for dropping test cricketers:
1. Texting a South African
2. Not texting a South African

Probably nicked off twitter, but jolly good.

MouthoftheMersey, 11 March 2013 11:07am

Mitchell did write the note as required, but when it came to pushing it under Mickey Arthur’s door, he missed. Shane Watson’s pencil broke. Pattinson’s was too short and Khawaja’s looked good for a while, but was forgotten.

Surprised Ed Cowan’s isn’t available as an e-book.


RandallsCartwheel, 11 March 2013 9:24pm

“Hello I’m Mickey Arthur, and this is my foot.”


“That’ll teach ’em.”

Glorious Fool. That John Martyn, he knew a thing or too about a good title.


CommentKing, 12 March 2013 2:09pm

Since when have cricket tours become some kind of middle management wet dream. Wellness reports? What next? Maybe an MBA by correspondence or an executive summary on how to be a sissy. There was a time when a wellness report on an Indian tour was nothing more than a quick Immodium stocktake.

Beautiful. Aussies – how does it feel?


Editor’s note: I feel I must add, in the interests of balance, when GISing for ‘michael clarke metrosexual’, I was presented with this horrifying image:

cook naked

Why are their bottom halves so hairy and their top halves so not?! It looks like they’ve been dipped head-first into a vat of Nair.

Dude, where’s my credit rating?

Tory Fudwit

Tory Fudwit?

Smeg head?

Smeg head?

One moment you’re in a pizza restaurant in Davos with all your mates – BloJo is recounting lewd stories of semi-naked volleyball players glistening like wet ottters under the muggy London sun; Dave is telling the waiter that he is very clear about vaguely knowing that he wants – either the margarita or meat feast, although, maybe, he fancies the pasta. The next thing you know you’ve had too many Advocaats and have woken up in some sleazy five-star shack in downtown Geneva. You don’t know where you are. Your head is spinning and you wished you tried harder at whatever it was you did at uni. Because right now a letter has some how turned into a fucking number. That’s impossible, you tell yourself. That’s like arch-pant wetters the Lib Dems joining the Tory party in some kind… But wait, that did happen… and oh … shit … you kind of said a few things awhile back about how a particular letter would never turn into a particular number.

At least that’s what,  kinda, happened to Tory fudwit George Osborne. The professional towel-folder awoke to the news that Moody’s has downgraded the UK’s credit rating from AAA to AA1. AAA shiiittt. And now it’s becoming crushingly clear that a triple-dip is not a type of sandwich at Subway, but one of the shittier economic sticks that gets passed around.

No doubt the UK’s forums reacted in a measured way.

Britain will take years to earn back AAA rating, says Ken Clarke

By Rowena Mason, The Telegraph

Let’s get the pro-UKIP posts out the way.




Sorry rgh, NOTHING will stem the oncoming flood, -kriste, it’s EU LAW, and we have NO say. Only UKIP will act on this nightmare.


This is true. Since in a democracy all governments bribe their way into power by offering the dumb-ass electorate free everything in exchange for votes, it is likely that we would now be worse off under a Labour government. Labour bribery historically has had the populist edge over Conservative bribery.

Yeah, democracy’s well shit, init.

From the crank file…


Ken Clarke is a boring old fart who wouldn’t know if his a*se was on fire. I watched him on Sky this morning and his lickspittle responses, presumably prompted by his desire to to hang onto a cabinet job at all costs, were downright embarrassing.

People like him are the problem for the Tories – self-indulgent Leftie PC trendoids with upper class accents – who have the intestinal fortitude of a pea. He is totally out of touch with the severity of Britain’s economic situation as experienced by the ordinary people of Britain and only is concerned with the continuity of regular contact between his ample rear-end and the velour of his taxpayer-funded chauffeured limousine.

“Intestinal fortitude of a pea” – frickin’ genius.

Slash taxes now or you’ll lose the Election, Osborne is warned: Rebel Tory hits out after AAA blow


Background: Article details Tory MP Adam Afriyie’s view that you’ve gotta slash to grow.


Whats Andi Peters talking about now?

Basically, the joke is Mr Afriyle is black.


The best thing to get any economy moving is to “SLASH TAXES” However,Here is BRITAINS PROBLEM……. You have a , MARXIST LABOUR, or COMMUNIST LIBERALS, then you will continue to be shackeld with politicians who REWARD SHIRKERS” and “PENALIZE WORKERS”

Communist liberal?

Another from the crank file


Sadly Cameron is a globalist and as such will never give us a referendum voluntarily. Its not just prospect of Britain floating which terrifies globalists, its the possibility that we might form something better with our friends. We are told that we need to be part of a union in order to survive. Well there are countries out there with whom we share culture, history and blood. Imagine how strong a true union of Britain, Australia, Canada, and New Zealand would be; who knows maybe Scandinavia and the Netherlands would join as well. We do not need to be part of the undemocratic EU in order to build something wonderful!

Such a move would seriously wound the EU and put us smack bang in the middle of the three largest trading blocks. We have never been truly happy since our leaders abandoned our brothers in favour of the EU; we need to reestablish our historical bonds before they vanish forever.

Ye Gods!

George Osborne under pressure as Britain loses AAA rating for first time

By Jill Treanor and Rajeev Syal, The Guardian


Never mind Osborne we can ring payday loans, they can HELP even if we have bad credit…right?



@jaylar – that is basically Balls and Labour economic plan.



[Couple of paragraphs of obligatory Osborne bashing before…]

If Osbourne was a racehorse he’d be in a beef lasagne by now.


To the tune of Flash by Queen.

Credit rating blow to cost taxpayers £100bn: Humiliating downgrade may hit gilts and sterling
Holy Crap Flash Gidiot, we only have twenty four hours to save this small part of the planet from your incompetence!
Flash a-ah, Savior of the Bullingdon
Flash a-ah
He’ll screw every one of us

Flash a-ah
King of the incompetent.



For all the savage anger of the right-wing rags, The Guardian leads the way in death threats.


Time to drink hemlock, osborne.
Legend has it that in hell all the towels have an annoying wrinkle that is impossible to smooth out. But you will have plenty of time to practise…….we hope you enjoy your stay.


Not been the greatest starts to a year for a Chancellor has it? He can’t have won the wishbone at Christmas.



@AlexCook – Indeed. He could have at least choked on it.


It would be good to see Osborne shredded both personally and politically – lol

Unbelievably, some of those posts were recommended.


If he printed AA on his forehead he would look like the hologram from red dwarf

The economy’s smegged.


@lillycoll – I just love the satirical comments, its almost as if you believe the bull that you post.Thanks. Is all very entertaining.Do tell, is Ed Balls like some South Korean communist dictator?

Yes, that notorious bastion of Bolsheviks, neighboured by the capitalist running dogs of North Korea.


Labour has broken this country, stripping the very fabric of our society to almost third world levels.

mary jackson

@nacom – Tories have broken this county, stripping the very fabic of our society to almost third world levels, Fixed that for you, No need to thank me,

That super-veg nori wrap I ate at Pret was clearly the product of a third-world country.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s Oscar special.

Valentine’s Special: Whores Recruited to Satisfy Those With Special Needs

1020_1325797285Look, I’ll be honest – I’m sorry, this is dark. Really dark. But that makes it all the more infuriating.

Essentially, the story is that some care homes may have spent a portion of their budgets on procuring ‘sex workers’ for their charges. That’s it. Do you have a problem with that? If you said ‘yes’, you’re an idiot.

If you’re a prostitute, I’m sure the disabled community makes up a very small part of your clientèle; if you’re disabled, it’s up to you what you want or don’t want, but you should be given the chance to make the choice. You – YOU WHO READS THIS AND EVERY OTHER STUPID ARTICLE IN THE PAPER – are neither. It’s none of your business; it’s not your problem; shut up and go away.

The only thing older than prostitution is disability. This happens in every other country – first world, third world – in the world. Only here, in Great Britain, could we make an issue out of it.

‘I want a world where disabled people are valid sexual partners’

Recent reports that a care home procured sex workers for its disabled residents and new film The Sessions have put disability and sex in the spotlight. But is the focus on prostitution helpful?

kwenchin, 13 February 2013 12:58am

Prostitution should not be encouraged. These women lead sad lives and support the drugs industry. The govt. would to paying to support the drugs industry and trafficing of east european sex slaves.

Right. Let’s choke the drugs industry by cutting out hookers.

iruka, 13 February 2013 8:53am

This east European ‘sex slaves’ myth is pure propaganda.

I don’t have any problem at all with sexual surrogacy. In some ways it’s pretty much the opposite of men paying money for the right to a half hour of morally solipsistic play with someone else’s body…reliving the tent-pitching delusion that they’re actually entitled to use other people purely as ends, and that that their ability to pay is the basis of that right.

I lost you at ‘solipsistic’ you terrible bore. Seriously – fuck you and whatever tent-pitching delusion you may have.

mikozero, 13 February 2013 12:22pm

how about we just give disabled people their money to live on, accept that at that point it’s actually theirs, and keep our damn moralising and holier than thou attitude out of other peoples business ?


nellief, 13 February 2013 2:24pm

– Paying for sex is hardly “intimacy” – something that I hope all people with disabilities have in their life. The emphasis on sex is just sad.

Nobody, except you and the hundreds of mouth-foaming commentors, is mistaking intimacy with sex. This doesn’t happen in real life – why should you be so blind to it? Perhaps if you were disabled you might understand a little better.

ChristopherHervet, 13 February 2013 3:58pm

@silentstar101 – A long time ago or maybe once upon a time – the Samaritans were plagued by hundreds of calls from men seeking sexual gratification via the phone. This was thought to prevent the actively suicidal from getting through so the Brenda system was established.

Men needing that kind of satisfaction were encouraged to ask for “Brenda” who was a woman trained to try and engage with them and to talk about their underlying problems.

The outcome was that in some cases the woman volunteer would speak to the man while he endeavoured to come. A wel- to-do elderly BBC employee of my acquaintance regularly undertook this duty long after the Brenda system was scrapped.

I think the point I’m making in a round about way is that maybe money doesn’t need to change hands. It could be a voluntary service like any other with volunteers receiving appropriate CRB checks and training in sex therapy?

Brilliant. Re-proud to be British.

RA1966,13 February 2013 7:40am

@TrueBrit1066 – Everyone has the right to enjoy sex in some way,

do you agree that the NHS should provide free viagra for all? Patients with erectile dysfunction have a problem that prevents them enjoying sex.

000a000, 12 February 2013 11:03pm

Slightly uneasy about this: what’s the difference between a businessman who’s too busy to bother with seduction using a prostitute, someone who’s too lazy or drunk, and someone who’s too disabled?

Haneen1,12 February 2013 11:07pm

@000a000 – difference is that in the former two cases it involves a “subjective moral fault”, whereas disability is not a moral failing. They can’t help it, they didn’t choose to be disabled, nor did they do anything bad which made them disabled. Whatever you may feel about the sex service thing, it is wrong to put disabled people into the same category as greedy capitalists and the lumpen or borderline criminal elements.

Meh. You’ve over-thought this, so fuck you.

MoneyMustGo, 12 February 2013 11:43p

It’s sad that some people never get to have sex. Men like to romanticise prostitution, but it’s a f….ing terrible thing. If I had a disabled son, who was desperate for sex, I’d be telling him that it’s so wrong to buy a woman.

Really? If it was pay for it or never have it?

RA1966, 13 February 2013 7:45am

@lostalex77 – Why is the vagina or penis considered such a SACRED body part? it’s just another body part


Incorrect. Your face is not the same as your vagina. My toe is not the same as my penis.

‘my toe is not the same as my penis’ – you are the bigger wanker. i hope you suffer.

triunfun, 12 February 2013 11:51pm

I dont give a damn whether is legal or not, as long both parts have an agreement.

You can’t argue with that.

TheRightSort, 13 February 2013 12:46am

I’m sure there’s a pretty penny to be made out there to make ‘niche porn’? Perhaps that could fund this er… enterprise?

Not cool.

Dryhtscipe, 13 February 2013 10:24am

@lostalex77 – No, some people are advocating that the government pay for it.

Taxpayers don’t pay for anything but taxes.

It ceased being your money when it left your account… just as it does when you buy a car. You don’t get a say in whether the car salesman hires a prostitute either.

This is too stupid for comment.

LittleLetters,13 February 2013 6:26am

@kwenchin – Must be cosy up there, surveying the perfect world. Talk to a 65 year old single mother, looking after her 18 stone 40 year old son. He has a mental age of about 2, and hasn’t learnt how to masturbate. Once a month a sex worker provides him with hand relief and his mother with a calm household for a while. Whilst this is an imagined scenario, it’s one that exists in similar forms, far more often than anyone would like. Disability is not merely physical, and the relief offered by sex workers is not merely for the client.

That’s pretty grim, but it’s reality – READ IT

bolobo, 13 February 2013 2:10am

As a long-time inadvertant-celibate what I ache for is to touch my forehead against the forehead of someone who loves me and I can’t buy that. Using a sex worker would only serve to emphasise the comparative triviality of my loins.

“What disabled people need is full and equal rights. An inclusive society, which doesn’t create barriers.”

I’m not against anybody employing a sex worker but feel that it’s just a more complicated form of masturbation rather than sex.
It’s not new in the film world. 1998’s The Theory of Flight, starring Helena Bonham Carter as a woman with motor neurone disease, was excellent in it’s exploration of the subject.

I ache to say: Fuck you.

Margaret Thatcher Statue to Get Second Erection?

Meryl-Streep-as-Margaret--001There is no person with a greater capacity to polarise the British public than Margaret Thatcher. Love her or hate her… well, that’s it really, those are the only two options.

This simmering pot of blinkered hindsight came to another bilious boil this week when it was announced that a statue of Thatcher may be re-erected in her home town of Grantham. The problem is, however, that the people of Grantham don’t really want it and that when it was originally displayed, in 2002, it was decapitated quicker than you can say ‘milk-thieving train-selling Reagan-loving Nazi witch’.

Personally, I think it would be unfair to cause offense to a small community. The best solution would be for it to be painted in black-face, dressed up in a Jimmy Savile jumpsuit, and placed outside a lesbian nightclub, next to a council estate, somewhere up north. With a little gnome hat and a suggestively placed fishing rod. There – equally offensive to everyone.

Incidentally, my suggestion is about as likely as it appearing on Grantham high street, because the whole story is rubbish. The Grantham councilor who initially brought the story to the media’s attention was apparently ‘misquoted’, and the statue’s going to stay wherever it is. This was reported well before many of the comments below were written, but – as ever – don’t let the truth get in the way of a good knee-jerking.

The Telegraph

Grantham not sure it wants Baroness Thatcher statue

She is Grantham’s most famous daughter, but when a statue of Baroness Thatcher was offered to the local museum, it was considered by some to be a dubious honour.

– by Rosa Silverman, The Telegraph

timwookey, Yesterday 05:17 PM

We get a statue of Mandela-a man responsible for the deaths of hundreds through terrorism-yet we cannot have a statue of a politician who represented the very essence of self reliance and hard work.

Over one hundred people recommended that…

marxbrother, Today 03:32 AM

A statue of her and Winston in an imaginary meeting would be superb. The two leaders who saved this country in the 20th century.

We should be very proud to have statues of Maggie. One statue is just not enough!

Sounds tasteful – perhaps they could also be smoking cigars and playing poker?

Proofteller, Today 02:05 AM

Margaret Thatcher, the last British Leader to possess a pair of testicles. Just take a look at the gutless failures we have had since.

You are now picturing Margaret Thatcher’s testicles.

arthurmo, Yesterday 05:44 PM

atavist…………I used to vote Labour but I would spit, piss and crap on any statue of Tony Liar Blair, a truly disgusting man!!

He’s disgusting?

Stuart Moore, Yesterday 06:05 PM

You stand the statue up and there will be a queue of people ready to knock it back down.

When she finally does the world a favour and dies, her grave is going to become a very popular toilet.

The woman is up there with Stalin, Hitler and her old mate pinochet.

This bears emphasis – she is comparable to Stalin and Hitler… oh.

kc_crouan, Yesterday 07:14 PM

…Would be nice if they made the statue of iron and electrified it though, then the caretakers could sweep away the the crispy fried commie vandals the next day

That’s actually not a bad idea. Then we could open a branch of CFC.

quickswimmer, Yesterday 07:52 PM

Its funny that because when I was at school during the 80s there was always blinkin strikes, i remember in particular between the ages of 8 and 10 the dinner ladies were always on strike and we had to go home at lunch time every day for months on end.

Also filling the bath because the water were also on strike.

I fear perhaps someone’s cash-strapped parents were a little economical with the truth when they told them that now the water’s gone on strike too.

guyburgess, Today 12:41 AM

She won the Falklands wars & interest rates at 15% is great if you have savings, productivity rose under Thatcher & the last time we had a trade surplus was under her.

‘Falklands wars’? Tactical mastermind.

quickswimmer, Yesterday 04:03 AM

funnily enough she probably supported the Taliban against the Russians in Afghanistan back then. If you watch Rambo, I think III, its set there and all the islamic fighters are portrayed as heroes fighting alongside the Americans.

People are debating the worthiness of GCSEs and the current curriculum – I say, there’s all the history you need in Rambo movies.

Graculus, Yesterday 03:59 AM

Funny how history repeats itself. I imagine that Roman people had similar feelings when the busts of emperors such as Nero and Caligula were put on public display.

You are now picturing Margaret Thatcher in bed with a horse.

funinabox, Yesterday 05:35 AM

Erecting a statue to a living figure – no matter what you think of her – is tantamount to idol worship and smacks of Nazism and Communism. We’re not in North Korea, Nazi Germany or Soviet Russia. Next you’ll want us all out on the streets hailing our ‘Great Leader’ and marching up and down in smart brown uniforms. Wait until she’s long dead and buried and there is nobody left living who had anything to do with her or her activities.
PS: You might think Grantham deserves a statue of her – deserves it for what exactly? Being a shithole?

That just speaks for itself.

Totally out of nowhere…

EnglishHardman, Today 08:35 AM

I think this sums up what an absolute disaster the whole European project is.

The EU has done nothing good for the EU. They take billions of pounds of British taxpayers money each year, send all their jobless trash to this country and send us horsemeat disguised as beef.

And we’re supposed to be happy about this cultural enrichment?


Are you sure you want to? I hear it doesn’t shave its armpits.
And over to the Guardian

Where should they put the marble statue of Lady Thatcher?

A restored 8ft-tall statue of Lady Thatcher needs a home – a decade after it was decapitated by an anti-capitalist protester. But where should it go?

– by Stephen Moss, The Guardian

For once, the Guardian seems to have outdone the Telegraph in the hyperbolic bile-spewing stakes as they answer the question, ‘Where should we put the statue?’

nattybumpo, 07 February 2013 5:58pm

Next to a shop doorway on a highstreet so that all the drunks could piss up against it at throwing out time.

A whopping 240 recommends for that witticism.

j1rag, 07 February 2013 6:21pm

In a lake of boiling fire? Just to give us some comfort as we contemplate her eternal tortures…

Boiling fire?

JudithChalmersPubes, 07 February 2013 6:44pm

Up Bernard Ingham’s arse.

Only picked this because of the bizarre username.

hairymary100, 07 February 2013 8:41pm

Use it as a testing rig for sex toys, then bury it along with the rotten statue.

Ahaha. As amusingly ‘edgy’ as this contribution is, I suspect, and indeed hope, they didn’t create an entirely anatomically correct statue.

ToffeeGuy, 07 February 2013 10:56pm

Put it in her Ritz hotel room to remind her who she is.

That’s not cool. I hope all these ‘right-on’ Guardian types remember this kind of stuff next time someone gets pilloried for being disrespectful to the poor, or the transsexual, or the Alzheimer’s sufferers…

And the last word..

camscotland, 08 February 2013 1:54am

On the bottom of the Thames… chained to the leg of her corpse…