Australian cricketers dropped for not doing their homework

Under the Southern Dross - Captain of the Saggy Green (left), disgruntled caveman (right)

Under the Southern Dross – Captain of the Saggy Green (left), disgruntled caveman (right)

Four Australian cricketers have been dropped for the third test match of their tour of India after failing to satisfy demands from management that each player make a ‘presentation’ outlining some areas for improvement. Following a three-and-a-half-day spanking in the second test, coach Mickey Arthur and captain Michael Clarke ordered all 18 squad players to go away, think about what they’d done, and come back four days later with a written or spoken presentation explaining three areas in which they could improve technically, mentally and as a team. Basically, do their job for them.

This was challenging enough considering the players had to deal with the handicap not only of being professional sportsmen, but also terminally Australian. Hilariously, two of them forgot to do it, one of them left it at home and is waiting for his mum to drop it off, and the other one was just so f***ing angry about the whole thing that he couldn’t stop shaking long enough to scribble anything legible.

Even better is the subtext – over the last five or six years, there’s been a noticeable tension amongst wearers of Straya’s increasingly Saggy Green between the grizzled, salt-of-the-earth, beer-swilling, blond highlights types and the fey, metrosexual, opposable-digit-wielding, Bacardi Breezer-sipping, blond highlights types. However, now, for the first time, it’s solely members of the latter camp turning on their own immaculately moist and preened alpha male leader. Even the most blinkered Aussie apologist would have to admit: not a single element of this story would have occurred under Ponting, Waugh or anyone else.

Wot’s thet mayte? ‘Shaadenfroyda?’ Wasn’t he thet bloke who wanted to shig his own mum?

Shane Watson could turn back on Australia after being dropped over ‘homework’ row

Shane Watson has left Australia’s tour of India and is considering his future after he was among four players dropped for the third Test for failing to do their ‘homework’.

By Telegraph Sport, The Telegraph

cricketnut, 4 hours ago

I’m disappointed for the game.

In football you see overpaid pre Madonnas

Whoa there…

pre Madonnas

No, it can’t be… nobody can be this… you must be an Australian sportsman… no.

The rest of the comment is a bit of a head-scratcher too:

behaving like spoilt children and as such their managers spend a lot of time reining in (or attempting to) their petulance. But these guys haven’t been out partying, showing off in Ferrari’s, taking in recreational drugs, humping prostitutes etc; they neglected to fill in a corporate style middle-management questionnaire.

I’m all up for self- analysis and group free speech to enhance the greater good, but this has been handled poorly. Some of these blokes would have run through a brick wall for you in the past, now they’ll just turn around and say thanks but no thanks…

karadekoolaid, 5 minutes ago

I get the feeling Arthur has just bowled himself out.

Fnarr!! Oh yes, how satirically witty… hang on, this makes no sense at all. This person has clearly spent time trying to get his cricketing metaphor just right and has failed spectacularly. You can’t bowl yourself out – you can run yourself out.

willoughbyman, 23 minutes ago

This incident might help deflate the Aussies’ arrogance. Australians generally, as exemplified by their cricketers, are the most arrogant and self-important people on the planet. These attributes stem from their underlying awareness of their irredeemable mediocrity.

‘I say, James – what’s the term for someone behaving like a superior, self-important arsehole?’

‘I believe, Sir, the word you are looking for is “supercilious”‘

‘So it is James, good show’

61vintage, 28 minutes ago

England should get rid of Broad, its all his fault.

Agreed.

61vintage, 2 hours ago

I blame Stuart Broad.

Yup, me too. Hang on, you’re the same person!

crackerjace, 4 hours ago

[snip]

LIstening to great coaches of all sports through my life a common  theme is how they talk about bringing the best out of players through different means.
Player A might be to listen to whale music. player B might try and come up with a more egotistical nickname than “the big show”. etc etc
Certain standards need to be across the board of course, but a bloody essay as a knee jerk reaction????? go to the pub have a laugh, get that tension out..next day train with a focus  of Steve Waugh giving up the Hook.

As an Australian i feel we have cloned Phil Tufnells fielding and turned it into some form of inteligence that runs and plays for Cricket Australia.

Ps. i reckon alot of day 4/5 tickets will be popping up on E-bay.

Whale music? Steve Waugh and Peter Pan? Test tickets in India being bought and sold on ebay??!! This makes no sense, no sense at all.

Philip Michael Hunt, 4 hours ago

Maybe he should have given them a multiple choice test.

Not a funny comment, but not sure if username is a joke… must be a joke.

Ashes must not distract England

hastily changed to

Calling England ‘undercooked’ lets mental issues off the hook

Serious questions being asked why England are getting into a pickle at start of a series

Mike Selvey, The Guardina

TheGribbler, 11 March 2013 10:57am

[snip]

If England lose this Ashes I will, as one team mate once declared after yet another duck, ‘give up cricket and take up wanking’

Pssst – the two are not mutually exclusive. Especially when the cricket doesn’t start until 9.30 pm.

ilpupone, 11 March 2013 11:03am

Reasons for dropping test cricketers:
1. Texting a South African
2. Not texting a South African

Probably nicked off twitter, but jolly good.

MouthoftheMersey, 11 March 2013 11:07am

Mitchell did write the note as required, but when it came to pushing it under Mickey Arthur’s door, he missed. Shane Watson’s pencil broke. Pattinson’s was too short and Khawaja’s looked good for a while, but was forgotten.

Surprised Ed Cowan’s isn’t available as an e-book.

Teehee.

RandallsCartwheel, 11 March 2013 9:24pm

“Hello I’m Mickey Arthur, and this is my foot.”

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

“That’ll teach ’em.”

Glorious Fool. That John Martyn, he knew a thing or too about a good title.

BLAM!

CommentKing, 12 March 2013 2:09pm

Since when have cricket tours become some kind of middle management wet dream. Wellness reports? What next? Maybe an MBA by correspondence or an executive summary on how to be a sissy. There was a time when a wellness report on an Indian tour was nothing more than a quick Immodium stocktake.

Beautiful. Aussies – how does it feel?

 

Editor’s note: I feel I must add, in the interests of balance, when GISing for ‘michael clarke metrosexual’, I was presented with this horrifying image:

cook naked

Why are their bottom halves so hairy and their top halves so not?! It looks like they’ve been dipped head-first into a vat of Nair.


Reeva Steenkamp laid to rest, Oscar Pistorius loses early wickets

543c935d-bd83-4705-a388-d3430460f75c_reeva-steenkamp10-140213

Is it more offensive to show a woman looking hot while baking or looking hot while wearing a bikini?

Look, I’m sorry – I can’t stop reading about this. There doesn’t seem to be anything else happening anyway. It’s a lot more interesting than what Ed Milliband is doing – whatever it is that he does.

Oscar Pistorius’ bail hearing began today. If this whole thing were a test match, you could say he probably had a good day today; won the afternoon and evening session after losing four wickets before lunch. But there’s a long way to go to save the match, let alone rescue the series.

Meanwhile, his ‘Baba’ was being laid to rest. That got the limited, respectful coverage it deserved. God bless her.

Anyway, here’s some guff:

Apropos of nothing, but I have never seen a square toilet seat before.

Nigel, Sydney, 19/2/2013 23:18

That is truly a wonder.

Thank God for trial by jury. Let justice be served in court and not through the media.

peaxhy, London, 19/2/2013 23:16

Errm, I think you may be disappointed. Apparently, they haven’t used juries in SA since the mid-90s – it was just getting too difficult to find 12 people who weren’t racist. True story.

Surely it won’t be that difficult for forensics to determine whether she was using the toilet or hiding in there.

Louise, WIrral, 19/2/2013 23:07

I wouldn’t have thought that would take an expert of any kind.

Not sure who I am most disgusted at currently. The Mail for printing these pictures or me for gawking at them???

atwbaker, Exeter, 19/2/2013 22:55

Yup.

So upset xxx RIP Reeva xx

lexi, London, 19/2/2013 20:57

Oh, stop it.

I am very very confused.

groundhog, Glasgow, United Kingdom, 19/2/2013 20:56

Hmm.

So horrific, a corner bath.

Wakeup, London, 19/2/2013 19:02

Amusing and yet still a massive prick.

How are these photos chilling? It’s just a normal bathroom

Sierra, Surrey, 19/2/2013 18:45

Congratulations – you pass the psychopath test!

The heights of the shots would be different if the legs were on or off. If she was using the bathroom and not hiding in there, then there should be evidence in the toliet

Janesmithhk, Chrustchurch, 19/2/2013 18:42
This guy gets it – answer that question and the whole situation will be much clearer.

Reeva Steenkamp

I’d hit it… but never with a cricket bat.


Super-human Oscar Pistorius Becomes Oscar Pistoffius, Mows Down Girlfriend, Allegedly

reeva-steenkamp-bikini-photo

If you have a problem with this picture, tell the Mail.

The body of Reeva Steenkamp, unfortunate girlfriend – ex-girlfriend – of hitherto inspiration-to-everyone legless Olympian Oscar Pistorius, was probably still warm when the UK press started moralising about this unintended, accidental tragedy of South African gun culture.

Except, as the facts began to emerge not long after, there wasn’t a lot that sounded accidental about the incident. Everybody fell for the story, but only the Daily Mail – to use a completely random analogy – decided to ‘shoot first and ask questions later’ by spraying its front page with articles on the story; riddling those stories with suggestive pictures of the late La Steenkamp; and oozing grey matter and haemorrhaging idiocy all over the comments ‘opened’ for these articles. Spunk.

Ok, so she was shot four times in the head, chest and arm – anyway you slice that, it doesn’t quite jive with the intruder story. But that’s not for us to judge; at the Mail it is always ‘Innocent until proven… oh, look it’s a Middle-Aged woman with Cellulite Wearing a Ill-Judged Bikini!!!!!’.

Blade Runner Oscar Pistorius charged with murder after ‘he accidentally shot dead his model girlfriend at his luxury South Africa home when he mistook her for an intruder’

– By Martin Robinson, Simon Tomlinson and Dan Newling In Cape Town, the Daily Mail

This is almost has disheartening as Lance Armstrong.

alistz, vizio oh, 14/2/2013 15:16

Discuss. Seriously…. discuss. You could do a Phd on that.

This is why I tell people to use so-called assault weapons for home protection. You have room to easily mount a flashlight on them. That way you can be certain of target.

whtnationalist, Marshalltown Iowa USA, 14/2/2013 15:15

Ahhhhh… silly goose. This never would’ve happened if he’d just used assault weapons instead.

Maybe she made fun of him.

John Jones, Roswell, United States, 14/2/2013 14:43

Oh well, in that case, bitch had it coming.

what a tagedy!

bebuxxu, Rome, Italy, 14/2/2013 14:16

ANOTHER NAIL FOR THE DEATH OF THE 2ND AMMENDMENT.

SHADOW100, SAN MARCOS, 14/2/2013 14:07

Errrrrmmm…

This tragedy is the result of two young people both making a fatal mistake at the same time. She surely knew he was well-armed and feared break-ins, and she had to be well aware of the violent nature of life in SA. But in her excitement about the surprise, she didn’t think about that. He should have known not to shoot first before ascertaining the identity of the intruder … all he had to do was yell out, “Who is it?” and “I am armed and will shoot you!” But in his undoubted state of fear, he didn’t think about that either. Result? A devastating accident. When he gave her the key to his place, he should have told her the rules … no surprises & always announce yourself first. If he had been 40 instead of 26, I think he’d have been mature and wise enough to have thought of that. I’m willing to bet this was simply a tragic accident.

WagTheDog, Vegas USSA, United States, 14/2/2013 13:44

I suspect this man would try to acquit himself of rape by arguing that the plaintiff  was wearing a short skirt and ‘whorey make up.’

OMG! I mean, really, just OMG!

Devil Cat, London, United Kingdom, 14/2/2013 13:32

Die.

I’m South African. Yip, it’s not a country for sissies.

The Oppinionated One, Mpumalanga, 14/2/2013 13:31

Never thought that for a second, Opp.

So sad – two lives ruined, least we forget their families. No doubt Hollywood will be jumping on the band wagon and looking to turn his life story into a film.

Carrie, London, 14/2/2013 13:30

Really? Have you not seen OJ Simpson, the Movie? No? I wonder why not.

So sad. This guy had so much going for him…

Samantha, Middle England, 14/2/2013

Yeah, and she had a pulse.

I don’t understand why previous ‘domestic’ incidents are being thrown into the mix. People have arguments, they can get heated, police are sometimes called to diffuse a situation? Nobody is perfect! Doesn’t mean people are about to start shooting each other? Facts before accusation….and only the police can deal with those!

Sher x, Swansea, United Kingdom, 14/2/2013 12:35

Christmas must be wild round yours.

The same thing almost happened to me, but in my case, I do not own a gun so I was glad. Heard some noises in the kitchen at 3 am. Cracked open the bedroom door and I could see a human silhouette standing still. My heart raced. Grabbed a Rambo knife that I had and was ready to confront intruder when I realized, what if it is my wife? Sure enough her side of the bed was empty, so I turned on the lights and there she was, staring at our cat through the window. Also scary is that I had set up life insurance policies through a employment benefits meeting the day before! So I would have had a clear motive under the eyes of the police had I had a gun and decided to use it blindly. Moral of this story, never shoot at somebody for self defense reasons before knowing his/her identity and do it after announcing yourself. What a tragedy, I feel sorry for both. However it sounds like overkill to me, no need to pump a body full of bullets.

somewhereintheus, somewhereintheus, 14/2/2013 12:29

Whaaaaa?

Oh my darling Oscar!!!!! i am so so sorry!! i love you so much! i am really sorry about your loss and trauma. Please let the justice system understand this tragedy and work well for you. I am heartbroken

BB, glasgow, 14/2/2013 10:51

Your loss?

this is so terribly sad xxxx

GeordieEastender, East London, United Kingdom, 14/2/2013 11:17

Thanks, mwuh.

Absolutely heartbreaking, so tragic xxx

Miss_Kinks, Wiltshire, United Kingdom, 14/2/2013 10:58

Yes, mwuh mwuh mwuh.

This is just so awful 😦 I pray for him and the girls family at this very sad, tragic time xxx

MrsHogg, Durham, United Kingdom, 14/2/2013 10:44

As do I. Mwuh mwuh mwuh.

How very tragic … I think living with the fact that you accidentally killed your beloved is punishment enough. I don’t see how prosecution would be in the public interest. Sending best wishes to all x

Thanks. Love to Mum and Dad. Mwuh.

How awful! Rip x

RoyalEngrWife1466, Bolton, Uk, 14/2/2013 10:16

Rip Mwuh.

…Seriously, why do people do this? is it a new thing? Are some people so terminally stupid that they’ve lost the ability to distinguish online comments sections from text messages?

From law graduate to reality TV star: FHM model Reeva Steenkamp was about to ‘explode into the media’, claims devastated agent

– By Simon Tomlinson, the Daily Mail

I’m not sure what’s more distasteful about this headline – is it the ‘explode into the media’ bit (explode all over more like, hurrrr) or is it ‘devastated agent’? You’re an agent. Your job is to make money by exploiting people. Family cares? Dunno. Friends care? Dunno. Apparently the guy that was going to make money out of her cares. He was the first one on the phone. He’s devastated.

She was too good for him.

Joe, Belfast, 14/2/2013 13:26

*click* Yah Sistah!

How can someone be “allegedly shot dead”? She is either alive or she is dead. She was either shot or she was not. The word allegedly is so incorrectly used here, it detracts from the sad story.

Kate, Sydney, 14/2/2013 12:29

That’s a surprisingly good point.

Oh dear how sad, I bet he is mortified. If it was a genuine mistake I am sure the jury will find him innocent of murder and realise it was unintentional manslaughter. Poor guy. Crumbs, Valentine’s Day will never be the same for him.

Gorgeous Brunette, Liskeard, United Kingdom, 14/2/2013 10:51

Valentine’s day will never be the same for him?!

****Bonus Update****

article-reeva-fhm3-0214Well, the Mail has continued to open its Pistorius articles to inappropriate, ill-informed and irresponsible comments. On the other hand, the Guardian, the Independent and the unattractive, unloved women of Twitter have sunk even lower by cheapening the whole thing by focusing on the Sun’s perfectly legitimate choice of front page photo. As though it’s somehow disrespectful. I’m sure when Wayne Rooney dies, the papers will illustrate it with a picture of him playing football; when Brigitte Bardot dies, it’ll be a picture of her acting and/or arguing with a cat; when these people die, the Made-Up Fantasy Times, ‘People who were rubbish’ column will be illustrated with a picture of someone physically attached to a sofa, cramming Doritos into their mouth with their disgustingly sausage-like orange cheesy fingers, while ineffectually ‘cutting’ themselves with a blade so blunt it couldn’t possibly do anything more than cosmetic damage.

It was too annoying to wade through those comments, so back to the Daily Mail for some healthy idiocy…

Blade Runner in the dock: Oscar Pistorius holds his head in his hands as he is formally charged with murdering his model girlfriend who ‘was shot four times through bathroom door’ at his home

By Leon Watson, Martin Robinson, Simon Tomlinson and Dan Newling, The Mail

Why is he crying?

Sandy Brown, London, 15/2/2013 16:37

Congratulations – you pass the psychopath test!

I fail to see what he would have gained through a planned murder of this poor woman – he has no money concerns and if he no longer wanted to go out with her he would have had no difficulty in ending the relationship. I feel the fact he shot through the door suggests he thought it was an intruder but obviously until the police investigation is closed we can only speculate as to what went on.

kate, paris, France, 15/2/2013 16:22

Hmmm, yes – murder is only a practical option when in financial difficulties or when you’re just too embarrassed to break up with someone.

Nice to see his brother smiling with another relative. Meanwhile a young woman is dead. This whole story is so shocking.

Lily, London – UK, 15/2/2013 16:05

Bastard! And with a relative too… pffft!

95% of the comments here are DISGUSTING. Why is everyone treating Pistorius like the victim? A young girls body LAYS COLD. A mother and father have to bury their child.

Cherry, london, United Kingdom, 15/2/2013 15:58

Lays cold what?

Let us not forget that SHE IS DEAD!!

Sassy Lassy, Great Britain, 15/2/2013 15:33

YAY!

It was an accident. They should let him go

Floridian, USA, United States, 15/2/2013 15:29

Oh right, there we go. Everybody go home now, that’s it. All over, nothing to see here.

 My sympathies to the poor victim and her family… Poor woman never got to get married, have babies or get old…such a waste all round. Rip xxx

Lorraine, ex-pat, 15/2/2013 15:09

Mwuh mwuh mwuh…. rip.

What the hell could have happened there?!? It’s just crazy!!!

JFK, South of Spain, Spain, 15/2/2013 14:44

How can you be South of Spain and yet still in Spain?! It’s just crazy!!!

This is why you never shoot at an unidentified target. This is one of the basic 4 rules of gun safety: Always be sure of your target and what is beyond it. Never aim at anything you are not willing to destroy. Keep your finger off the trigger until your sights are on target. Treat all guns as loaded. Had he followed these simple rules this would not have happened. That is proper gun control.

klingon00, Columbus, 15/2/2013 14:26

Ah right, thanks for clearing that up Klingon. You see, I’d thought that the problem was having guns in your bedroom; I hadn’t realised that really the problem was just the fact that someone didn’t remember some stupid half-baked code about what you should and shouldn’t do with a gun. That was the problem! Education.

Have you never locked yourself in the bathroom to escape someone? I’ve had to. I’m NOT saying that’s what happened but the amount of people proclaiming him innocent based on the fact she was in the bathroom!!!

Nishuo, outside your window, United Kingdom, 15/2/2013 14:10

I just looked outside my window – bet you did too.

 Shot 4 x through bathroom door – then that surely shows that a) He didnt see her and b) he didnt know it was her. This sounds like a he really did mistake her for an intruder?

Tim-nice-but-dim, London, United Kingdom, 15/2/2013 14:02

‘Roight Francois – wie’re gonna do this berglaree job, bit wince wi git in, Io’ve gotta pinch a wickid loaf.’

The South African authorities are a disgrace. Why on earth are they treating Oscar like a common criminal. He is a global icon and should not be paraded like a murderer. This was clearly a tragic but honest mistake. He should be released immediately and the Police should focus on the real criminals in the townships.

Adam, London, United Kingdom, 15/2/2013 13:52

Can’t be serious.