Australian cricketers dropped for not doing their homework

Under the Southern Dross - Captain of the Saggy Green (left), disgruntled caveman (right)

Under the Southern Dross – Captain of the Saggy Green (left), disgruntled caveman (right)

Four Australian cricketers have been dropped for the third test match of their tour of India after failing to satisfy demands from management that each player make a ‘presentation’ outlining some areas for improvement. Following a three-and-a-half-day spanking in the second test, coach Mickey Arthur and captain Michael Clarke ordered all 18 squad players to go away, think about what they’d done, and come back four days later with a written or spoken presentation explaining three areas in which they could improve technically, mentally and as a team. Basically, do their job for them.

This was challenging enough considering the players had to deal with the handicap not only of being professional sportsmen, but also terminally Australian. Hilariously, two of them forgot to do it, one of them left it at home and is waiting for his mum to drop it off, and the other one was just so f***ing angry about the whole thing that he couldn’t stop shaking long enough to scribble anything legible.

Even better is the subtext – over the last five or six years, there’s been a noticeable tension amongst wearers of Straya’s increasingly Saggy Green between the grizzled, salt-of-the-earth, beer-swilling, blond highlights types and the fey, metrosexual, opposable-digit-wielding, Bacardi Breezer-sipping, blond highlights types. However, now, for the first time, it’s solely members of the latter camp turning on their own immaculately moist and preened alpha male leader. Even the most blinkered Aussie apologist would have to admit: not a single element of this story would have occurred under Ponting, Waugh or anyone else.

Wot’s thet mayte? ‘Shaadenfroyda?’ Wasn’t he thet bloke who wanted to shig his own mum?

Shane Watson could turn back on Australia after being dropped over ‘homework’ row

Shane Watson has left Australia’s tour of India and is considering his future after he was among four players dropped for the third Test for failing to do their ‘homework’.

By Telegraph Sport, The Telegraph

cricketnut, 4 hours ago

I’m disappointed for the game.

In football you see overpaid pre Madonnas

Whoa there…

pre Madonnas

No, it can’t be… nobody can be this… you must be an Australian sportsman… no.

The rest of the comment is a bit of a head-scratcher too:

behaving like spoilt children and as such their managers spend a lot of time reining in (or attempting to) their petulance. But these guys haven’t been out partying, showing off in Ferrari’s, taking in recreational drugs, humping prostitutes etc; they neglected to fill in a corporate style middle-management questionnaire.

I’m all up for self- analysis and group free speech to enhance the greater good, but this has been handled poorly. Some of these blokes would have run through a brick wall for you in the past, now they’ll just turn around and say thanks but no thanks…

karadekoolaid, 5 minutes ago

I get the feeling Arthur has just bowled himself out.

Fnarr!! Oh yes, how satirically witty… hang on, this makes no sense at all. This person has clearly spent time trying to get his cricketing metaphor just right and has failed spectacularly. You can’t bowl yourself out – you can run yourself out.

willoughbyman, 23 minutes ago

This incident might help deflate the Aussies’ arrogance. Australians generally, as exemplified by their cricketers, are the most arrogant and self-important people on the planet. These attributes stem from their underlying awareness of their irredeemable mediocrity.

‘I say, James – what’s the term for someone behaving like a superior, self-important arsehole?’

‘I believe, Sir, the word you are looking for is “supercilious”‘

‘So it is James, good show’

61vintage, 28 minutes ago

England should get rid of Broad, its all his fault.

Agreed.

61vintage, 2 hours ago

I blame Stuart Broad.

Yup, me too. Hang on, you’re the same person!

crackerjace, 4 hours ago

[snip]

LIstening to great coaches of all sports through my life a common  theme is how they talk about bringing the best out of players through different means.
Player A might be to listen to whale music. player B might try and come up with a more egotistical nickname than “the big show”. etc etc
Certain standards need to be across the board of course, but a bloody essay as a knee jerk reaction????? go to the pub have a laugh, get that tension out..next day train with a focus  of Steve Waugh giving up the Hook.

As an Australian i feel we have cloned Phil Tufnells fielding and turned it into some form of inteligence that runs and plays for Cricket Australia.

Ps. i reckon alot of day 4/5 tickets will be popping up on E-bay.

Whale music? Steve Waugh and Peter Pan? Test tickets in India being bought and sold on ebay??!! This makes no sense, no sense at all.

Philip Michael Hunt, 4 hours ago

Maybe he should have given them a multiple choice test.

Not a funny comment, but not sure if username is a joke… must be a joke.

Ashes must not distract England

hastily changed to

Calling England ‘undercooked’ lets mental issues off the hook

Serious questions being asked why England are getting into a pickle at start of a series

Mike Selvey, The Guardina

TheGribbler, 11 March 2013 10:57am

[snip]

If England lose this Ashes I will, as one team mate once declared after yet another duck, ‘give up cricket and take up wanking’

Pssst – the two are not mutually exclusive. Especially when the cricket doesn’t start until 9.30 pm.

ilpupone, 11 March 2013 11:03am

Reasons for dropping test cricketers:
1. Texting a South African
2. Not texting a South African

Probably nicked off twitter, but jolly good.

MouthoftheMersey, 11 March 2013 11:07am

Mitchell did write the note as required, but when it came to pushing it under Mickey Arthur’s door, he missed. Shane Watson’s pencil broke. Pattinson’s was too short and Khawaja’s looked good for a while, but was forgotten.

Surprised Ed Cowan’s isn’t available as an e-book.

Teehee.

RandallsCartwheel, 11 March 2013 9:24pm

“Hello I’m Mickey Arthur, and this is my foot.”

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

“That’ll teach ’em.”

Glorious Fool. That John Martyn, he knew a thing or too about a good title.

BLAM!

CommentKing, 12 March 2013 2:09pm

Since when have cricket tours become some kind of middle management wet dream. Wellness reports? What next? Maybe an MBA by correspondence or an executive summary on how to be a sissy. There was a time when a wellness report on an Indian tour was nothing more than a quick Immodium stocktake.

Beautiful. Aussies – how does it feel?

 

Editor’s note: I feel I must add, in the interests of balance, when GISing for ‘michael clarke metrosexual’, I was presented with this horrifying image:

cook naked

Why are their bottom halves so hairy and their top halves so not?! It looks like they’ve been dipped head-first into a vat of Nair.


Miriam Margolyes leaves UK for Australia

Miriam Margolyes leaves UKSo you’re a distinguished elder stateswoman of the UK thespian scene. But the calls haven’t been coming in of late and the lime light is starting to dim a little.

What do you do?

Well if you’re actor Miriam Margolyes you do a Gérard Depardieu / Brigitte Bardot number and do-one abroad – specifically, Australia. In the process of emigrating, you denounce the nation that spawned you as a class-ridden cesspool, filled with scum bags who wouldn’t look out of place being ventilated by Liam Neeson in Taken 3.

As one can imagine, this incurred the wrath of the forums.

First a comment from Richard, a troll on the Daily Mail:

Richard, Torrevieja, 28/1/2013 11:09

Who?

Good question. I had to Google Miriam Margolyes myself, after spotting the story had drawn over a thousand comments on the Guardian.

Answer: Actress who appeared in Blackadder.

So how did Margolyes herself describe her new found status:

‘I think I should be described as ‘bi’- not bisexual because I’m not – I’m gay – but ‘binational’ because I retain British nationality and I add to it being Australian, which is like having your cake and eating it.’

And then every other cake in the bakery.

Five reasons to leave Britain

– Victoria Coren, The Guardian

Depressingly, quite a few comments focussed on Coren’s marriage to comedian and fellow columnist David Mitchell.

These came in two flavours: ‘You’re not David Mitchell. I like David Mitchell … I’m secretly afraid of women’ and ‘Did David Mitchell teach you how to write?’. If these passive-aggresive sexist comments had a designer fragrance associated with them, it would probably be called Julian.

Example:

Cussutduck 03 February 2013 2:22pm

Is she trying to be funny like David? David is funny. Where’s he then?
I think this country is pony because it calls itself a member of Europe but none of us can go to mainland Europe without paying quite a lot of money. I would rather live in mainland Europe and feel properly European, or not have to pay all that much to go there.
That’s not meant to be funny.

I hear Belarus is cheap this time of year.

CityGardens 03 February 2013 5:43pm

Earlier today, at 11.34am, I posted a very brief, one-sentence comment here stating simply that I found Victoria Coren’s article superficial and trite and not worthy of The Guardian. My comment received half a dozen recommends . . . and it has now been removed, to be replaced by “This comment has been removed by a moderator.”

Is this the liberal, left-leaning, honest-talking Guardian . . . or a paper now emulating the organs of the Third Reich?
Shame on you, Idiot Guardian Moderator! Shame on you!

An act of moderation causes one mouth-breather to compare a leading investigative newspaper with one of the architects of National Socialism.

Nadia Di Martino 03 February 2013 5:29pm

Five? Only five? I have at least 5 million reasons to give you on why I left Britain. If anybody want to hear them here I am.

I suspect that the five million reasons are actually five million signatories to have this poster removed from the UK.

martinusher 03 February 2013 4:58pm

The depressing thing about modern England is discovering that historically its the norm. Those of us who were born baby boomers, the post WW2 generation, were brought up in a false world, a place which was pretty good and apparently likely to get better.

[More of this kind of ‘insight’ before…]

As for me, I legged it. Most other societies wouldn’t stand for the kind of government that rules England, one that has absolutely no interest in the welfare of its citizens (sorry, “subjects”). That doesn’t mean that everywhere else is better (and the indomitable English character born of putting up with this BS is still very much in evidence) but at least you get a chance.
I blame it on 1066 myself….

I’m sure the people of, say, all the failed states in the world, wouldn’t mind giving the coalition a shot.

monkey999 03 February 2013 2:08pm

I left Britain because I couldn’t stand it about 15 years ago. I came back last year because I couldn’t stand the other country I was living in.
Wherever you go, there you are. Please just learn to stand yourself.

Hehe. You can’t emigrate from yourself: If you were a tool in one country, you’re still going to be a tool in another country.

ozzydave 03 February 2013 12:19pm

been saying it on here for years….get the hell out of dodge. anything short of that is child abuse. yeah, oz has got its faults, but it’s nothing that a decent salary won’t cure. freeeeeedom!

Winner of the hyperbolic comment of the day award! If your not gone in the next sixty seconds, well you might as well be a child molester.

TomReeve 03 February 2013 11:52am

Oh, poor Victoria – are you (privately educated/Oxford graduate), your husband (privately educated/Cambridge graduate) and your friends (mostly privately educated/Oxbridge graduates) sick and tired of hearing about the class system? Does it not seem odd to you that a disproportionately high number of the top jobs in the UK (including journalism, comedy and the arts) are held by people who wear an old school tie?
Odd, but for all your satirical, witty and populist commentary, we don’t hear you commenting about that, do we? I wonder why…

These kind of inferiority-complex comments litter The Guardian’s comment section like half-read Don DeLillo novels in the flats of North London.

Smoore1 03 February 2013 10:15am

The worst things about the UK are

1 To many foreigners
2 The Tory party
3 Political correctness
4 Bean counters masquerading as management

chillisauce 03 February 2013 10:21am

I presume you mean ‘two many foreigners…’

‘W’ is seven characters away from ‘O’ on the keyboard.

Actress Miriam blasts English class system as she becomes an Australian citizen

– By ALASDAIR GLENNIE, The Mail

Jordi, Camden, United Kingdom, 28/1/2013

She’s a very nice person and a brilliant actress, good luck to her, I’d leave this country too if I could, it’s too full of spongers and moaners.

A meta moan?

Ben, Wolverhampton, 28/1/2013 12:17

i don’t care, she’s not a nice lady.

What did she do to Ben? Not return his football when he kicked it into her garden?

shirley1919, brentwood, 28/1/2013 15:17

i sincerely hope she is is not receiving a pension from the UK

That’s just cold.

Lesbian actress Miriam Margolyes becomes Aussie citizen

– Joe Morgan, Gay  Star News

Maybe we should all take note of Terry’s comment on Gay Star News:

Terry Stussy

You’re all just Hateful. This does not affect you in the least. Wish her well and move on.