Walkers crisps to contain fewer chemicals, more bullshit

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Remember when he pooed himself?

In one of the more ill-judged PR moves of recent times, Walkers crisps has announced its intention to distance itself from chemical artificial flavouring voodoo – and therefore, by some twisted logic, the horse meat scandal – by flavouring their translucent grease flakes with actual, genuine, once-throbbing animal tissue.

Personally – and perhaps this says quite a lot about the state of the food industry in the 21st century – the thought of eating crisps with actual meat in them is way more off-putting than some e-number alchemy I don’t need to know about. This is the list of ‘new’ flavours, all with an added 50% more bullshit:

Unmistakably Cheese & Onion including cheese from Somerset

Definitively Prawn Cocktail with Vale of Evesham tomatoes

Classically Ready Salted with salt from Cheshire

Distinctively Salt & Vinegar with real British vinegar

Undeniably Pickled Onion with real British vinegar

Deliciously Sour Cream & Chive with sour cream from Dorset

Tantalisingly Tomato Ketchup with Vale of Evesham tomatoes

Famously Worcester Sauce blended in Britain

Smoky bacon with RSPCA Freedom Food pork

Roast chicken with free-range chicken

You don’t need to be a marketing genius to spot that there’s something not quite right about the list. You just have to have a basic grasp of grammar. Seriously, ‘Famously Worcester Sauce blended in Britain’ sounds like something you’d read on a menu in a bar in Shanghai. Can’t wait to see Brad Pitt advertising ‘Scampi Fries, Inevitably’.

Anyway, the story attracted the predictable groups – the militant vegetarian faction (the majority of whom may or not also be smelly lesbians), the crushingly desperate loners yearning to make the same predictable horse meat joke, and those people who just plain don’t care about by-elections. Here’s a selection:

THE DAILY MAIL

Vegetarians’ horror at plans by Walkers to add meat to smoky bacon and roast chicken crisps for the first time

  • Move to real ingredients has been greeted with horror by vegetarians
  • Walkers tries to re-assure vegetarians that products will still be ethical
  • Change will now be promoted by presenter Gary Lineker next month

– by Francesca Infante, the Mail

This is not the main problem. They changed the colour convention for salt and vinegar from light blue to green and the opposite way round for cheese and onion! Green = cheese OK!

John , Perthshire, 28/2/2013 09:21

This was, what – 15 years ago? Perhaps it’s time to accept the change and move on.

I saw Gary Lineker filming this promotion the other week. He was driving a tractor over the suspension bridge next to my house. Didn’t see any cows or chickens present though

clifton101 , Bristol, 28/2/2013 09:15

That’s because… he KILLED THEM AND PUT THEM IN HIS CRISPS!!!

For many years I had my military shoes soled and plated by a cobbler in London. Moving ‘darn sarf’ I found a cobbler of sorts in a large complex, would you like ‘real leather?’ The thought crossed my mind – no take it from the cows in Milton Keynes!

Bill , Winchester, 28/2/2013 09:05

I don’t understand this at all.

Good news, the way it should be, vegetarians should go for smoked carrot flavour. You can’t have your cake and eat it.

Colonel, Birmingham, United Kingdom, 28/2/2013 17:17

Especially if you’re vegan.

Meat is good, crisps with meat good!

verite, global, 28/2/2013 17:16

Uggg!

who wants to eat a packet of meat flavour crisps with RSPCA written on the front of it?!

Emma, Newcastle, 28/2/2013 14:41

An excellent point – it’s like buying a Playboy with a picture of your girlfriend crying on the cover.

Bacon, Bacon, Bacon…when I die, wrap me in bacon and deep fry me. I’ll be Happy, Happy, Happy.

richard park, lubec maine, United States, 28/2/2013 13:28

Uhhhhh…

Vegetarians get no right to say how my meat flavoured crisps are made. If i want real pig trotters in there, then by god its my human right to have that!

nonameTom, London, United Kingdom, 28/2/2013 13:14

Uhhh….

NO, I’m a veggie who has enjoyed them for years. This makes me sad. RIP.

misanthrope_kl, Perth, 28/2/2013 12:46

Yes, good night sweet bacony prince.

What I want to know is whether they will be using non-halal chicken in their crisps. If they use halal I won’t be eating them!

Mrs Froot Loop, Somewhere over there, United Kingdom, 28/2/2013 12:35

I know – I like my chickens free range… in HELL!!!

I have stopped buying Walkers due to the downsize from 28gm to 25gm. All the grown men blue collar workers that I know refuse them due to the size and more air than crisps content. This might sound easy but try finding another brand that sell 28gm, the supermarket crisp aisle is jam packed full of Walkers.

tiddles, the cold and wintry great North, 28/2/2013 9:40

Perhaps Bruce Springsteen could write a song about it.

Us vegetarians lose out again then!!!

Amelia, Beds, United Kingdom, 28/2/2013 7:51

It’s not our obligation to cater to your particular dietary preference. Eat a Quorn dick.

haha id love to see those stupid veggies revolt, start an uprising, it wouldn’t be hard to put them down, weak limp wristed vegetarians man come on, nobody cares what you think!

gRAEME, abu dhabi, United Arab Emirates, 28/2/2013 4:54

Hehe.

Let’s hope it doesn’t contain horsemeat!!! Othewise it’ll be horsemeat crisps!

Anonymous, Anonymous, United Kingdom, 28/2/2013 4:51

I guess…. I guess that’s correct.

THE TELEGRAPH

Real bacon to go into smoky bacon crisps – but vegetarians are upset

Smoky bacon crisps are to contain real bacon as part of an experiment by manufacturer Walkers.

Just in case you didn’t quite get the idea from the headline, the Telegraph helpfully illustrated their article with this:

bacon_2495096b

Smoky bacon crisps… actual bacon… I just don’t… ah! I get it!

wyleekoyote, 9 hours ago

I like a nice bit of dead pig, can we have crispy bacon bits in the crisps or perhaps some Black Pudding or Trotter flavoured ones?

Grim.

dunnitagain, 7 hours ago

I’m waiting for the full English breakfast crisp.

Bacon, egg, black pudding etc.

Set me up for the day that will.

Tragically, been and gone.

grant69, 8 hours ago

If further proof of the fact that vegetarianism is a mental illness it’s this.

Who the hell do they think they are telling normal people it’s wrong to flavour meat flavoured products with meat?.

If they are happy on a diet of industrially produced chemicals then fine but don’t let them influence what normal people can eat.

I’m looking forward to trying them, Wotsits already contain cheese powder and unlike some crisps they don’t start to taste weird when you have eaten a few packets.

This is the way to go.

‘…eaten a few packets’?

knowlebank, 4 hours ago

The human body is designed to eat meat, well done Walkers for reducing the additives and using meat to flavour their excellent products.
If the Vegetarians have a problem lettice leaf is meat free, I eat a minimum of half a pound of meat 6 days a week, fish on the other but not Friday.
I once went in to a Vegetarian cafe I have never seen such a bunch of sick looking people in my life

… perhaps you farted?! Half pound of meat a day?!!