Dude, where’s my credit rating?

Tory Fudwit

Tory Fudwit?

Smeg head?

Smeg head?

One moment you’re in a pizza restaurant in Davos with all your mates – BloJo is recounting lewd stories of semi-naked volleyball players glistening like wet ottters under the muggy London sun; Dave is telling the waiter that he is very clear about vaguely knowing that he wants – either the margarita or meat feast, although, maybe, he fancies the pasta. The next thing you know you’ve had too many Advocaats and have woken up in some sleazy five-star shack in downtown Geneva. You don’t know where you are. Your head is spinning and you wished you tried harder at whatever it was you did at uni. Because right now a letter has some how turned into a fucking number. That’s impossible, you tell yourself. That’s like arch-pant wetters the Lib Dems joining the Tory party in some kind… But wait, that did happen… and oh … shit … you kind of said a few things awhile back about how a particular letter would never turn into a particular number.

At least that’s what,  kinda, happened to Tory fudwit George Osborne. The professional towel-folder awoke to the news that Moody’s has downgraded the UK’s credit rating from AAA to AA1. AAA shiiittt. And now it’s becoming crushingly clear that a triple-dip is not a type of sandwich at Subway, but one of the shittier economic sticks that gets passed around.

No doubt the UK’s forums reacted in a measured way.

Britain will take years to earn back AAA rating, says Ken Clarke

By Rowena Mason, The Telegraph

Let’s get the pro-UKIP posts out the way.

robhoward

UKIP or DEATH for BRITAIN

countrollo

Sorry rgh, NOTHING will stem the oncoming flood, -kriste, it’s EU LAW, and we have NO say. Only UKIP will act on this nightmare.

memberofhepublic

This is true. Since in a democracy all governments bribe their way into power by offering the dumb-ass electorate free everything in exchange for votes, it is likely that we would now be worse off under a Labour government. Labour bribery historically has had the populist edge over Conservative bribery.

Yeah, democracy’s well shit, init.

From the crank file…

landulla

Ken Clarke is a boring old fart who wouldn’t know if his a*se was on fire. I watched him on Sky this morning and his lickspittle responses, presumably prompted by his desire to to hang onto a cabinet job at all costs, were downright embarrassing.

People like him are the problem for the Tories – self-indulgent Leftie PC trendoids with upper class accents – who have the intestinal fortitude of a pea. He is totally out of touch with the severity of Britain’s economic situation as experienced by the ordinary people of Britain and only is concerned with the continuity of regular contact between his ample rear-end and the velour of his taxpayer-funded chauffeured limousine.

“Intestinal fortitude of a pea” – frickin’ genius.

Slash taxes now or you’ll lose the Election, Osborne is warned: Rebel Tory hits out after AAA blow

By SIMON WALTERS, The Mail

Background: Article details Tory MP Adam Afriyie’s view that you’ve gotta slash to grow.

Mecheeta

Whats Andi Peters talking about now?

Basically, the joke is Mr Afriyle is black.

dumber123

The best thing to get any economy moving is to “SLASH TAXES” However,Here is BRITAINS PROBLEM……. You have a , MARXIST LABOUR, or COMMUNIST LIBERALS, then you will continue to be shackeld with politicians who REWARD SHIRKERS” and “PENALIZE WORKERS”

Communist liberal?

Another from the crank file

David

Sadly Cameron is a globalist and as such will never give us a referendum voluntarily. Its not just prospect of Britain floating which terrifies globalists, its the possibility that we might form something better with our friends. We are told that we need to be part of a union in order to survive. Well there are countries out there with whom we share culture, history and blood. Imagine how strong a true union of Britain, Australia, Canada, and New Zealand would be; who knows maybe Scandinavia and the Netherlands would join as well. We do not need to be part of the undemocratic EU in order to build something wonderful!

Such a move would seriously wound the EU and put us smack bang in the middle of the three largest trading blocks. We have never been truly happy since our leaders abandoned our brothers in favour of the EU; we need to reestablish our historical bonds before they vanish forever.

Ye Gods!

George Osborne under pressure as Britain loses AAA rating for first time

By Jill Treanor and Rajeev Syal, The Guardian

jaylar

Never mind Osborne we can ring payday loans, they can HELP even if we have bad credit…right?

Gets…

lxy001

@jaylar – that is basically Balls and Labour economic plan.

Chortle

Ordinaryblokesays

[Couple of paragraphs of obligatory Osborne bashing before…]

If Osbourne was a racehorse he’d be in a beef lasagne by now.

MrGits

To the tune of Flash by Queen.

Credit rating blow to cost taxpayers £100bn: Humiliating downgrade may hit gilts and sterling
Holy Crap Flash Gidiot, we only have twenty four hours to save this small part of the planet from your incompetence!
Flash a-ah, Savior of the Bullingdon
Flash a-ah
He’ll screw every one of us

Flash a-ah
King of the incompetent.

Brilliant

GUARDIAN DEATH THREAT WATCH

For all the savage anger of the right-wing rags, The Guardian leads the way in death threats.

Sparro

Time to drink hemlock, osborne.
Legend has it that in hell all the towels have an annoying wrinkle that is impossible to smooth out. But you will have plenty of time to practise…….we hope you enjoy your stay.

AlexCook

Not been the greatest starts to a year for a Chancellor has it? He can’t have won the wishbone at Christmas.

Gets…

dshanah

@AlexCook – Indeed. He could have at least choked on it.

alciabides

It would be good to see Osborne shredded both personally and politically – lol

Unbelievably, some of those posts were recommended.

Bilbobaillie

If he printed AA on his forehead he would look like the hologram from red dwarf

The economy’s smegged.

Thickstp

@lillycoll – I just love the satirical comments, its almost as if you believe the bull that you post.Thanks. Is all very entertaining.Do tell, is Ed Balls like some South Korean communist dictator?

Yes, that notorious bastion of Bolsheviks, neighboured by the capitalist running dogs of North Korea.

nacom

Labour has broken this country, stripping the very fabric of our society to almost third world levels.

mary jackson

@nacom – Tories have broken this county, stripping the very fabic of our society to almost third world levels, Fixed that for you, No need to thank me,

That super-veg nori wrap I ate at Pret was clearly the product of a third-world country.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s Oscar special.


Miriam Margolyes leaves UK for Australia

Miriam Margolyes leaves UKSo you’re a distinguished elder stateswoman of the UK thespian scene. But the calls haven’t been coming in of late and the lime light is starting to dim a little.

What do you do?

Well if you’re actor Miriam Margolyes you do a Gérard Depardieu / Brigitte Bardot number and do-one abroad – specifically, Australia. In the process of emigrating, you denounce the nation that spawned you as a class-ridden cesspool, filled with scum bags who wouldn’t look out of place being ventilated by Liam Neeson in Taken 3.

As one can imagine, this incurred the wrath of the forums.

First a comment from Richard, a troll on the Daily Mail:

Richard, Torrevieja, 28/1/2013 11:09

Who?

Good question. I had to Google Miriam Margolyes myself, after spotting the story had drawn over a thousand comments on the Guardian.

Answer: Actress who appeared in Blackadder.

So how did Margolyes herself describe her new found status:

‘I think I should be described as ‘bi’- not bisexual because I’m not – I’m gay – but ‘binational’ because I retain British nationality and I add to it being Australian, which is like having your cake and eating it.’

And then every other cake in the bakery.

Five reasons to leave Britain

– Victoria Coren, The Guardian

Depressingly, quite a few comments focussed on Coren’s marriage to comedian and fellow columnist David Mitchell.

These came in two flavours: ‘You’re not David Mitchell. I like David Mitchell … I’m secretly afraid of women’ and ‘Did David Mitchell teach you how to write?’. If these passive-aggresive sexist comments had a designer fragrance associated with them, it would probably be called Julian.

Example:

Cussutduck 03 February 2013 2:22pm

Is she trying to be funny like David? David is funny. Where’s he then?
I think this country is pony because it calls itself a member of Europe but none of us can go to mainland Europe without paying quite a lot of money. I would rather live in mainland Europe and feel properly European, or not have to pay all that much to go there.
That’s not meant to be funny.

I hear Belarus is cheap this time of year.

CityGardens 03 February 2013 5:43pm

Earlier today, at 11.34am, I posted a very brief, one-sentence comment here stating simply that I found Victoria Coren’s article superficial and trite and not worthy of The Guardian. My comment received half a dozen recommends . . . and it has now been removed, to be replaced by “This comment has been removed by a moderator.”

Is this the liberal, left-leaning, honest-talking Guardian . . . or a paper now emulating the organs of the Third Reich?
Shame on you, Idiot Guardian Moderator! Shame on you!

An act of moderation causes one mouth-breather to compare a leading investigative newspaper with one of the architects of National Socialism.

Nadia Di Martino 03 February 2013 5:29pm

Five? Only five? I have at least 5 million reasons to give you on why I left Britain. If anybody want to hear them here I am.

I suspect that the five million reasons are actually five million signatories to have this poster removed from the UK.

martinusher 03 February 2013 4:58pm

The depressing thing about modern England is discovering that historically its the norm. Those of us who were born baby boomers, the post WW2 generation, were brought up in a false world, a place which was pretty good and apparently likely to get better.

[More of this kind of ‘insight’ before…]

As for me, I legged it. Most other societies wouldn’t stand for the kind of government that rules England, one that has absolutely no interest in the welfare of its citizens (sorry, “subjects”). That doesn’t mean that everywhere else is better (and the indomitable English character born of putting up with this BS is still very much in evidence) but at least you get a chance.
I blame it on 1066 myself….

I’m sure the people of, say, all the failed states in the world, wouldn’t mind giving the coalition a shot.

monkey999 03 February 2013 2:08pm

I left Britain because I couldn’t stand it about 15 years ago. I came back last year because I couldn’t stand the other country I was living in.
Wherever you go, there you are. Please just learn to stand yourself.

Hehe. You can’t emigrate from yourself: If you were a tool in one country, you’re still going to be a tool in another country.

ozzydave 03 February 2013 12:19pm

been saying it on here for years….get the hell out of dodge. anything short of that is child abuse. yeah, oz has got its faults, but it’s nothing that a decent salary won’t cure. freeeeeedom!

Winner of the hyperbolic comment of the day award! If your not gone in the next sixty seconds, well you might as well be a child molester.

TomReeve 03 February 2013 11:52am

Oh, poor Victoria – are you (privately educated/Oxford graduate), your husband (privately educated/Cambridge graduate) and your friends (mostly privately educated/Oxbridge graduates) sick and tired of hearing about the class system? Does it not seem odd to you that a disproportionately high number of the top jobs in the UK (including journalism, comedy and the arts) are held by people who wear an old school tie?
Odd, but for all your satirical, witty and populist commentary, we don’t hear you commenting about that, do we? I wonder why…

These kind of inferiority-complex comments litter The Guardian’s comment section like half-read Don DeLillo novels in the flats of North London.

Smoore1 03 February 2013 10:15am

The worst things about the UK are

1 To many foreigners
2 The Tory party
3 Political correctness
4 Bean counters masquerading as management

chillisauce 03 February 2013 10:21am

I presume you mean ‘two many foreigners…’

‘W’ is seven characters away from ‘O’ on the keyboard.

Actress Miriam blasts English class system as she becomes an Australian citizen

– By ALASDAIR GLENNIE, The Mail

Jordi, Camden, United Kingdom, 28/1/2013

She’s a very nice person and a brilliant actress, good luck to her, I’d leave this country too if I could, it’s too full of spongers and moaners.

A meta moan?

Ben, Wolverhampton, 28/1/2013 12:17

i don’t care, she’s not a nice lady.

What did she do to Ben? Not return his football when he kicked it into her garden?

shirley1919, brentwood, 28/1/2013 15:17

i sincerely hope she is is not receiving a pension from the UK

That’s just cold.

Lesbian actress Miriam Margolyes becomes Aussie citizen

– Joe Morgan, Gay  Star News

Maybe we should all take note of Terry’s comment on Gay Star News:

Terry Stussy

You’re all just Hateful. This does not affect you in the least. Wish her well and move on.